Sunday, January 21, 2018

Key points from the Weir Olympics

You've just spent two weeks of your life watching things you won't even think about for another four years.

Worth it? But how much did you really learn from it? Were you really paying close attention?

Here's a pop quiz to see:

What was the biggest controversy in figure skating?

a) Johnny Weir committing a fashion faux pas by mixing a hairpiece of yellow flowers with a champagne dinner jacket.

b) An ice dancer being disqualified when she accidentally jumped.

c) Somebody actually thinking they could explain the scoring.

Why don't NHL owners want their players in the Olympics?

a) They disrespect the game by not allowing players to punch each other in the face.

b) NHL fans are beginning to realize there's a lot of Russians playing on their favorite teams.

c) It makes people pay far too much attention to hockey.

Why do the Norwegians win so many medals in cross country and biathlon?

a) The nation of 5 million people has 6 million skiers.

b) They're good at trash talking in the middle of a forest.

c) Just to irritate the Swedes.

What new sports made their debut in Sochi?

a) The non-Nordic combined, where ice dancers race each other in short track, then have their outfits judged by Johnny Weir.

b) Stray dog catching.

c) The traditional Russian whipping contest, won in a medal sweep by the Cossacks.

Who are the breakout stars of the game, according to social media?

a) Luger Kate Hansen and her hall-roaming wolf.

b) Lolo Jones, who keeps getting noticed for all the wrong reasons.

c) Bobsledder Johnny Quinn for gold in bathroom door smashing.

Why did NBC pay $775 million to televise the Olympics?

a) People love seeing Russians win medals.

b) There's nothing Americans enjoy more than cracking open a beer and watching a good cross-country ski relay.

c) Johnny Weir needed a job.

Why did U.S. Olympic officials claim this was a great Olympics?

a) They were under the mistaken impression Lindsey Vonn won seven golds.

b) They know U.S. athletes would have done better if they had better yogurt.

c) For once, the figure skating controversy didn't involve any Americans.

Why was women's hockey suddenly popular?

a) Russians discovered their women players can all score more than Alexander Ovechkin.

b) In an age of parity, people like to see only two teams with a chance at the gold.

c) With a collapse for the ages, the U.S. team finally figured out a way to make it interesting.

Where should they hold future Winter Olympics?

a) On a remote mountaintop in Nepal, where security won't be an issue.

b) Costa Rica.

c) Any place with a benevolent president/dictator/ruler with $51 billion burning a hole in his pocket.

What will be sure to happen at the 2018 games in South Korea?

a) The North Koreans will look for an excuse not to show up.

b) When they do show up, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will win gold in bobsled, luge, cross country and ice dancing.

c) There will be a figure skating controversy.

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