Rambo had it easy. He only had to survive the thick jungles of Vietnam with scores of ruthless Soviet and Vietnamese soldiers hunting him down. Give him a saw-toothed knife, an M60 machine gun and endless rounds of ammunition, and he was set.
The 2009 version of the human survival machine needs plenty more in their survival kit — even a "survival seed bank" — to be prepared for the myriad threats of our era.
There's the omnipresent risk of a terrorist attack. The specter of economic Armageddon. A North Korean (or Pakistani) nuclear scare. Threats of a computer virus that could wreak havoc on the Internet or, at the least, steal your identity. Drought. Pandemic flu. Locusts (just checking if you're paying attention).
Oh, and lest we forget, hurricane season starts every June 1.
Fear not, faithful reader. We're here to help you assemble the Ultimate Survival Kit. Or at least stow away a few items to feel safe.
Think of it as a way to altruistically stimulate the economy and selfishly ensure your survival at the same time.
• Dust mask: 27 cents apiece (www.getreadygear.com). So, you don't have a prescription for Tamiflu and store shelves are already barren of Purell sanitizers. Don't worry. Nothing says keep your pandemic germs to yourself like a mask.
• Survival seed bank package: $143 (www.survivalseedbank.com). Don't wait until Homeland Security has ratcheted up to Red Alert Level because our nation's food supply has been crippled. Stock up now on hyper-endurable Hidatsa Red Bean and Mammoth Red Rock Cabbage seeds.
• Gold: Hovering around $900 an ounce at last check (oodles of dealers and jewelers on the Internet and area strip centers). You may have heard there's mild concern over the value of the U.S. dollar.
• Identity theft protection: $10 a month (www.lifelock.com). You've no doubt seen or heard the pitch to buy identity theft protection services from LifeLock chief executive Todd David (Social Security Number 457-55-5462), who's practically double-dog daring thieves to try to steal his own identity.
• Emergency generator: $1,029.99 (www.everygenerator.com). Getting by with no air conditioning and no refrigerator gets old real quick in a post-hurricane situation.
• 64-unit case of water pouches: $18.95 (survivalkitsonline.com). With a five-year shelf life, this is sure to get you through enough seasons until Florida has fixed its hurricane insurance crisis. Well, maybe you'll need more than one case.