Dean and Mike's constitution-writin' service

TALLAHASSEE — A judge has stricken Amendment 9, a criticism of "Obamacare," from the fall ballot in Florida. It is the third of six constitutional amendments proposed by the state Legislature this year to be thrown out on the grounds of being misleading or unintelligible …

I was working in my front yard the other day when a jalopy of a pickup truck pulled up and two guys got out. The sign on the door said: "Dean and Mike's Constitution-Writin' Service."

"Sir, do you need any constitution writin'?" asked the first one, whom I took to be Mike. The other one, Dean, was chasing loose papers as they flew through the air. A fender fell off the truck.

"I think I am all right in that department," I replied. "Look, I have these three homemade constitutional amendments right here."

I pointed proudly to Amendments 4, 5 and 6, the first one being the "Hometown Democracy" amendment and the second two the "Fair Districts" amendments.

Mike grimaced. "Sir, those are citizen amendments, put on the ballot by any goof who signed a petition in a grocery store lot. You just can't trust their quality. You need professional constitution writin'."

"I dunno," I said. "All three of these have stood up in court. I hear that half the amendments you guys write get thrown out."

"That is a liberal lie," Mike replied. "It's not our fault that activist judges threw them off the ballot. Believe me, we'll be spending plenty of your tax dollars to appeal them."

"So," I asked, "you put an amendment on the ballot trying to say that 'Obamacare' won't count in Florida, which you can't do. And you make political promises in the headline about vote for this and there will be 'no waiting lists' for doctors and such. And when the judge struck this, he was being activist?"

"Absolutely."

"And when you put up Amendment 7, which said down in its sneaky fine print that the citizen-backed Amendments 5 and 6 for "Fair Districts" wouldn't count even if they passed, and that same judge ruled that voters would not understand it, he was being activist, too?"

"Yesiree bob."

"So, Jeb Bush chose a liberal activist when he put this guy on the bench in the first place?"

"Anybody can have a bad day."

"And Amendment 3, which promised voters a tax break on their house but didn't mention that it only took effect for houses bought after a certain date, and it wasn't clear about what a 'first-time' home buyer was, that was a no-good activist judge, too? Are the judges only good judges when they rule in your favor?"

Mike looked crestfallen but instantly brightened up.

"Say," he asked, "how about a nice nonbinding, advisory referendum, then? That's a sideline of ours, in addition to constitution writin'."

"Do you mean," I said, "the thing you have put on the November ballot asking Florida voters if they want a balanced federal budget?"

"Right."

"Great googly moogly!" I shouted, since I am trying not to swear as much lately. "You're spending my money to hold an election that doesn't count, so that you can ask us if we want a balanced federal budget, which I imagine we do, when you yourself just took and blew several billion dollars of federal stimulus money?"

"You make it sound like there's something wrong with that."

"I know you guys are all young and bright-eyed," I said, "but you need to get yourself a little ballast. You don't just throw stuff on the ballot to score political points. You don't propose amendments on a whim. I mean, I don't like loud commercials, cable TV news or Brussels sprouts, but I don't need to change the Constitution to say so."

Mike snapped his fingers. "Dean! Brussels sprouts! Write that down." And they drove off in a rush, truck backfiring, loose papers flying.