Advertisement

Trial separation has its benefits — and a lot of risks

 
Thinkstock.com
Thinkstock.com
Published April 29, 2015

When a relationship stops being what it once was, couples have a few options. They can air their grievances and work to fix the underlying problems. They can say so long and start anew. Or, if they are unable or unwilling to do either of those steps, they can "take a break."

Implied in this approach is at least a sliver of hope that the relationship will continue, but only after both partners spend some time apart to figure out if their hearts are still in it.

While taking a break might make it seem like a couple is committed to salvaging a flagging relationship, several experts said it just delays the inevitable. "When most people say they want a break, what they're really saying is, 'I want to break up, but I don't know how to do it,' " said Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach in Los Angeles.

Spending time apart only further inhibits a couple's ability to "actively deal with the issues that led to the suggestion to take the break in the first place," said Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Va.

"People often return from the break with renewed hope, and yet once again face the disappointment that the same issues remain glaring in their faces, unchanged," said Fran Walfish, a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, Calif. "Taking a break is really a form of avoidance."

But a break could be the appropriate antidote for couples who need to be reminded of how much they mean to each other or need space to mature as individuals before building a life together.

Some tips from the experts, if you do decide on taking a break.

Define it. If you have any expectation to get back together, both people in the relationship should set the ground rules for the duration of the break. Can you get involved with others? Will you still call and text each other whenever you please? What's the time frame? These questions need to be asked, said Paulette Kouffman Sherman, a psychologist and author of When Mars Women Date. "Be clear and honest with each other about what that time is going to look like."

Requester, beware. Often, couples may arrive together at the agreement to take a break together. But when it's only one partner who wants the break, he or she should be warned that the pendulum of power may swing during the course of the separation. The partner who proposed the break initially might go crawling back, only to find that the other person has moved on. "Don't assume the other person is just waiting for you to decide you want to get back together," Coleman said.

You may be asking for trouble. The act alone of requesting a break could do irreversible damage to a relationship, especially if the other person feels blindsided by the news. "Even voicing that you want to take the break can jeopardize the trust and bond, because one person might think everything was going smoothly," Sherman said.

Don't be too quick to change who you are. Partners on the receiving end of the "I want to take a break" announcement shouldn't approach the separation with the assumption that they can erase the issues by changing themselves. "If you are the partner who has reluctantly agreed to the break, don't make the mistake of thinking you can do all the work and reinvent yourself in order to get the relationship back," Coleman said. "You can't change your partner's mind just by being the person you think they want you to be."

Keep up with Tampa Bay’s top headlines

Subscribe to our free DayStarter newsletter

We’ll deliver the latest news and information you need to know every morning.

You’re all signed up!

Want more of our free, weekly newsletters in your inbox? Let’s get started.

Explore all your options

Don't try to relive the past. "If you (reminisce) about the way things were at the start of your relationship, it's time to move on," Katz said. The first few months of a relationship are the honeymoon phase, where each person presents his or her best self. But the time thereafter allows each person to show their true colors. If you don't like the person you see, it may be time to pull the plug.