The Census Bureau boasts in all of its advertising that the survey consists of only 10 questions.
I guess that's good, but if you're going to query every single American, why don't you make the most of it? Why not ask the burning questions that every American wants to know?
Here are the questions they should have put on the census:
1. Mary Ann or Ginger?
In another 10 years we'll have an entire generation that won't even understand this question, so it's time to settle it.
2. Do you pick up your clothes off the floor and smell them to decide whether you can wear them?
Most women will find the question revolting, but the fellas know what I'm talking about. Hint: If it smells like Fritos, don't wear it.
3. Is it wrong to tell your kids to believe in Santa Claus?
If you're not Christian, substitute the Tooth Fairy for Santa Claus.
4. Dogs or cats?
For non-pet lovers, none of the above will be a choice.
5. When people ask how are you doing, do you say, "I'm employed?"
Sign of the times, to say the least.
6. In any given month, do you pay your mortgage, your car note or your credit card bill?
Extra credit if you routinely pay all three.
7. Do you say "soda" or "pop?"
Down here, pop is a type of music.
8. Do fries come with that shake?
9. Did you ever think you would miss Paula Abdul on American Idol?
Yeah, me neither.
10. Edward or Jacob?
Women, especially those under 30, will love this question. So will men comfortable enough with their sexuality to admit they've actually read the Twilight series.
11. Do you believe Kentucky Fried Chicken tastes better when you buy it in Kentucky?
By the way, there's a Harlan Sanders Cafe and Museum in Corbin, Ky. Who knew?
12. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Even though the Beatles are down to two, it's still a tough call.
13. iPhone or Blackberry?
Don't know. The company's too cheap to buy me either one.
14. Who was the best James Bond?
Sean Connery probably wins, but we can argue about second-best.
15. Deep dish or thin crust?
I prefer the Chicago way, which means if they get a knife, you get a gun. If they put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of their's in the morgue.
16. Godfather or Godfather II?
Normally, the original always beats the sequel, but not in this case. Aliens also was better than Alien.
17. Betty White or Abe Vigoda?
My money is on the golden girl.
18. Toilet paper roll: over or under?
I'll take the over.
19. Tampa or St. Petersburg?
Neither. Seffner by a nose over Lealman.
20. Are you filling this out at a bar?
Sometimes it's good to be under the influence.
That's all I'm saying.