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A columnist dreams of Wrestlemania, Christmas style

Some ideas prove so frighteningly insane they need to remain in the far recesses of a warped mind.

And this may be one.

I recently uncorked an imaginary scenario in which our favorite animated Christmas specials would be retold through the prism of old-school professional wrestling. With apologies to the late Gordon Solie, here's my take.

Tonight, Championship Wrestling from Florida presents HOLIDAY HAVOC at the Fort Homer Hesterly Armory.

In the main event, the world's most evil man, Mr. Grinch, takes on the diminutive one, Cindy Lou Who.

"Hey Cindy Lou, tonight you're going to discover how cuddly I can be — cuddly as a cactus," said the Grinch, who sported a menacing Santa hat while carrying a dog who strangely had antlers tied to his head.

"I'm a mean one, Cindy, and I'm going to charm you like an eel. You're going down Cindy. You're going down."

Who declined to engage the hairy horror in trash talk, but she encouraged fans to come out and bring an unwrapped toy for the people of her hometown, Whoville.

"Don't be fooled by my tiny size," Who squeaked. "I've got a devastating heart punch."

On the undercard, Burgermeister Meisterburger challenges Kris Kringle in a special grudge match. Kringle bested Meisterburger in the Sombertown Showdown, but after the win, Meisterburger demanded a rematch, claiming Kringle used a performance enhancing drug.

"It wasn't a PED, it was just some magic feed corn I got from my trainer, the Winter Warlock," Kringle insisted. "And I didn't take it, I just gave it to my reindeer friends."

Still, Kringle agreed to the rematch because Meisterburger said he would donate his purse to Toys For Tots if he loses. Kringle will have wrestling diva and former school teacher Miss Jessica in his corner, but Meisterburger said it won't matter.

"No more toys. No more toys," Meisterburger grumbled before storming off in his brown lederhosen.

In another highly-anticipated match, Ebenezer Scrooge takes on not one, not two, not three, but four opponents in a Texas-Chain battle royale. This quartet, from parts unknown, bills itself as "The Ghosts of Christmas," and one says he will bring his own chains.

Fans also will be treated to a North Pole cage match when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer battles the Abominable Snowman. Yukon Cornelius, fresh off his lumberjack match against Killer Karl Kox, will be a special referee.

"I'm going to knock his teeth out," Rudolph said. "No, seriously, I'm going to knock them out because I think Abominable needs some dental work."

Also Professor Hinkle, the Magician, clashes with Frosty the Snowman in a loser-leaves-town duel.

And in the biggest tag-team match since the Briscoe Brothers knocked off Mr. Saito and Mr. Sato, Charlie Brown and Linus van Pelt challenge the Brotherhood of Commercialism: Walmart and Best Buy. Brown said he's worried because Walmart has been known to enter the ring with foreign objects in its trunks, but van Pelt said the championship will belong to them.

"Charlie Brown is sort of a blockhead, but in the end, I'll help him deliver the true meaning of Christmas," van Pelt said. "And then there will be peace and goodwill toward all men."

Don't miss Holiday Havoc tonight. (Not really. Remember, I'm just daydreaming.) Until then, so long from the Sunshine State.

That's all I'm saying.

A columnist dreams of Wrestlemania, Christmas style 12/21/11 [Last modified: Friday, December 23, 2011 12:59pm]
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