Single mothers need help and advice, not scorn

The spate of sad and tragic stories about single mothers and abusive boyfriends always sinks hearts.

Too often, we read about the child being abused or killed when the mom chose to trust a new love interest who typically isn't the youngster's father.

That decision can be fraught with problems, beginning with the probability that abuse can be more common with a nonbiological caregiver.

Sandi Shulman, a nurse practitioner with the USF Child Protection Team, said these paramours may have a relationship with the mother but none with the child. Suddenly, they're thrust into a position of caring for a child they really don't know or have the experience to handle.

A mother's boyfriend may clash with a child who declares that only his real daddy can tell him what to do, said Sara Gagan, a child protection specialist with the team.

Other factors add to the source of abusive situations, but it's the resulting heartache that proves so troubling. There's the high-profile story of a boyfriend ejecting a baby from a moving car, but it's hardly the only case.

The initial reaction to such horrid episodes is often to ask why the mother can't choose a better man. The answers are mired in many complexities.

The mother may not have the self-esteem to believe she deserves to be loved by a caring man. She may overlook warning signs because of emotional or financial needs. She may be accepting of abusive behavior because she grew up with an abusive father. She may have grown up with no father at all.

Reversing those histories would be daunting to a psychologist, let alone a nonprofit. So the Healthy Start Coalition of Hillsborough County will take a different approach this fall, rolling out a safe caregiver campaign that will promote wise choices when picking someone to watch your child.

The key step is helping the mother develop a bond with the child at birth or even in the prenatal stage, said Healthy Families program manager Barbara Macelli. We can't assume the connection will happen naturally, and mothers must realize they are the safety shield for their children.

Then, it's a matter of giving mothers the tools and education they need to succeed. It may sound like common sense but, again, assumptions won't save children.

Regardless of whether it's a boyfriend, friend, neighbor or relative, the mother should be vigilant in choosing a caregiver: Search for someone with nurturing qualities, and have an understanding of how they react to stressful situations. Do a background check. Don't trust someone you just met.

Experts also advise mothers to be familiar with a person's faults, seek approval of objective friends and don't ignore instinctive nagging concerns.

Instincts? Well, pedophiles have been drawn to single moms, playing nice with the woman and grooming her children with gifts.

There a number of available programs that can help. In Hillsborough, call the Healthy Start Coalition at (813) 233-2800. In Pinellas, the Healthy Start Coalition number is (727) 507-6330.

The community also can do its part through support. Some in society still tend to look down on single moms, but this is a group that needs counsel, not condemnation.

That's all I'm saying.