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For me, there's no place like throne

By Michele Miller, Times Staff Writer
In print: Sunday, July 20, 2008

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It's 4 a.m., and I can't quite figure out where I am. Stumbling around in the darkness, trying to make my way to the bathroom, I finally remember that I'm home now. Just head north.

It turns out that disorientation was one of the unexpected after-effects of a nomadic vacation that had my family waking up almost every morning in someone else's digs and me dealing with a subconscious aversion to using their toilets.

Thus, a week-long case of irregularity was the trade-off for trying to vacation on a budget.

In these trying times, many folks have opted to stay local for their family vacations. But my husband and I decided this was the year to go back to Massachusetts. The grandfathers, both in their mid 80s, are getting up in age. And our children have a passel of cousins, aunts and uncles that they barely know.

On top of that, we want to expose them to the historical aspects of the Boston area, which my husband and I never fully appreciated when growing up.

So we ponied up for the airfare and asked various loved ones to put us up for a night or so, which I'm happy to say they did in that "door is always open" spirit. We slept on pull-outs and blow-up mattresses, couches, and twin and double beds. It was grand and fun, and saved us a ton of money to boot. One good friend even had the forethought to put my snoring husband in his own bedroom, which meant I had at least one night of uninterrupted sleep.

Heaven.

But I hadn't figured on being so dazed and confused after arriving home, or that making that essential early morning bathroom break would be such a challenge. But then I discovered that getting over what the good Dr. Oz referred to as "safe toilet syndrome" on Oprah, is one of the wonderful perks of coming home.

I never knew "it" had such a scientific name or that it was such a common ailment (which I learned after doing a Web search and getting 1.5-million hits). Misery does love company, you know.

But some things you just don't talk about. Unless you're me.

My "research" found that there is some good news for fellow STS sufferers. Ample fiber intake, drinking plenty of water and moving around are supposed to help make that vacation a more pleasant experience.

If that doesn't work, just try to relax and take comfort in the thought that soon you will be home.

And this, too, shall pass.