Letting go of the reins on kids comes with expectations

My two teenaged sons ventured out for Halloween in two different neighborhoods. My 16-year-old skipped through a Seffner neighborhood visiting different house parties, while my 14-year-old did the same in Valrico.

From the moment they got out of the car, I had an uneasy feeling. I essentially dropped them off without certainty about where they would be in three hours. This was a new experience in my parenting life. Sure, they make good grades. They have never really been in trouble. They'll be fine. But, with all the pitfalls out there — sex, drugs, alcohol — it's difficult to let go of the reins, and my reign, so to speak. Of course, I realize I'm going to encounter more and more of these situations. It'll be worse when they start driving. How do you keep your sanity? If it sounds like I'm searching for an anti-aging agent for my teens, you're right. I can't help but think how much easier it was when they dressed like Buzz Lightyear and Woody, and all I had to do was follow them around the neighborhood.

I'm longing for the days when fulfilling my parental responsibilities consisted largely of keeping an eye on the kids. That was pretty easy — except for that one time at Westfield Brandon when they were 4 and 5. Matthew ran left, Ethan ran right. My head was on a swivel.

To this day, I think they planned it just to drive me crazy.

Anyway, since they're heading into adolescence at breakneck speed, what am I supposed to do? I can't lock them up. My oldest says they have reached the age where I had to show some confidence in them. Privately, his intelligent response pleased me, but for once, I wished he wasn't so damn smart. I asked Dr. Patrick Wanis, a Miami human behavior expert who has a doctorate in health psychology and hypnosis. He says my son is right. Partially.

"This is just a test of everything you've taught them," Wanis said. "Now it's time for you to enjoy the fruits from the years and years of labor you've put in raising them.

"You do have to show come confidence and trust. Still, the question remains, 'To what extent?' You have to set some boundaries."

Wanis suggest that I let each son propose what he wants and explain to me why I should grant it and what he is prepared to give in exchange for the trust and responsibility I'm showing in him. For example, if he says he wants to stay out until 11:30, I say 10 p.m. and we compromise on 11.

"You are negotiating a mutual agreement which also helps him to feel empowered and responsible for his actions — but with boundaries," Wanis explained.

If they break that trust, there must be consequences. Wanis says it's okay to treat your 16-year-old like a 12-year-old if he can't hold up his end of the bargain.

Wanis also said I have to make my expectations clear. He believes most of the time, kids will live up to your expectations — if you can convince them of your expectations.

So what do I expect? I expect them to have the courage to say no to drugs and alcohol. I expect them to treat women with respect despite what they hear in hip-hop songs. I expect them to understand that at this age, they're too young to deal with the varied consequences of sex.

I also expect them to take a break from the parties every once in a while and stay home and watch football with their dad. And I don't think I expect too much.

That's all I'm saying.