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Sunday Conversation: She turned her bout with domestic violence into a triumph

 
Jill Assalti (jillography.com) is a motivational speaker who will deliver the keynote address at the Spring’s annual Gift of Peace Luncheon on Wednesday (Oct. 26).
Jill Assalti (jillography.com) is a motivational speaker who will deliver the keynote address at the Spring’s annual Gift of Peace Luncheon on Wednesday (Oct. 26).
Published Oct. 28, 2016

Jill Assalti once succeeded as a film and television actor before moving on to a career in medical sales. She thrived in corporate America, earning honors as top salesperson, but she operated in that world with a missing ingredient. "I missed the artist in me," Assalti said.

Now she works as a motivational speaker (jillography.com), calling upon the public speaking skills she honed as an actor to deliver uplifting messages about doing something every day that puts a smile on your face — instead of showing up for work feeling like it's something you have to do, not something you want to do.

She strives to help people find purposeful lives, but she also embraces the opportunity to share the trials and tribulations of her experience as a survivor of domestic violence. Assalti will again take to the stage at The Spring's annual Gift of Peace Luncheon from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Wednesday in the Tampa Convention Center (thespring.org/events).

Assalti spoke to Tampa Bay Times Staff Writer Ernest Hooper about the importance of speaking up on domestic violence and how any person facing a challenge can turn tragedy into triumph.

How do you find courage to publicly speak about what you endured as a victim of domestic violence?

It comes from a place of wanting to help people. That's my purpose, to help people. I get so fulfilled doing that. I feel, in a way, I'm lucky to be able to share this experience with people because I went through this. If I can't share what I went through, what's the point? It doesn't come from a point of, 'Will you judge me?' I have to put that aside. There's a lesson about how to make this triumph a tragedy.

How did you go from being a victim to a survivor?

I think everybody's story is similar, yet the details vary. The thread between every victim's story is we were abused by someone we thought loved us.

Victims have to realize leaving is a process. A lot of women leave and come back, leave and come back. They think, 'What's wrong with me?' When you finally realize leaving is a process, you realize there is nothing wrong with you.

You can't be afraid to ask for help. You can't be afraid of judgment. I want them to not be afraid ... adversity can't rob you of your strength. When you're going through something, it's something of a growth period.

As much as you have to go through it, you have to grow through it. That's the time you find the lesson in the pain and tragedy. That's when you grow.

How much progress have we made as a society in dealing with domestic violence?

I definitely think there's a shift occurring. I think more women are feeling more courageous and willing to come out. The Spring has expanded and helped so many women.

There's a stereotypical idea of who gets abused that we need to break. That's what we need to work on. But I think we're becoming stronger and more educated and we're able to reach out to a support system in order to get help.

What's the stereotype?

The stereotypical idea most people think of when they think of domestic abuse is a woman. And the majority are women, but there are a small percentage of men. They think it's a woman who is not very well educated, a woman from a lower socio-economic status ... but that's not the case at all.

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It doesn't matter your socio-economic status, gender, or sexual preference, anybody can be abused. It has nothing to do with that. That's the stereotype that's keeping a lot of women and even men from stepping forward. There's a fear of judgment that's holding people back from getting the help they need to reach out for help, to reach out sooner.

How have you moved forward from what happened to you?

I've established healthy boundaries for myself. When I was younger, I didn't understand I could have these healthy boundaries, zero percent tolerance. It makes me feel good. I'm stronger now than I thought I was when I was at the depths of my misery.

It's not that this is happening to me, it's happening for me. That confuses people at first. They look at me, "What are you talking about, how could there be a benefit?" But there is a lesson. I can't control my outside situation, but I can control my inside situation and how I respond to it.

You have to find a way to respond to things that are seemingly tragic. I can find the positive in anything. Things will seem out of control and that's partly true with outside factors, but we are in complete control of the inside situation.

Are you married now?

I'm not, but I am dating a wonderful man. We've owned a home together for three years and it's a very healthy relationship. Once you've been through an unhealthy relationship, you don't realize how unhealthy it was, until you're in a healthy relationship.

The unhealthy relationship went up and down like that monitor that displays a rapid heartbeat. Now, I'm in more of a steady relationship where the majority of the time I'm really happy. The good outweighs bad. We're friends and we're mutually respectful. Looking back, I can't believe I lasted so long in the unhealthy relationship.

Have you always possessed this sense of optimism

I am a positive person; however, when I went through this, I lost it. I lost myself, but it took losing myself to find myself again. Now I tell people I'm 'Me times 10.' Before my situation, I had always seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I lost that fight in me, but after I left the situation, it slowly came back to me.

What's the goal moving forward?

I just want to inspire people. There are so many people living a life that's unauthentic to themselves. I want to help them connect with a purpose. When I wake up every morning to go to work, I have a smile on my face. I want people to feel that.

Sunday Conversation is edited for brevity and clarity. Contact Ernest Hooper at ehooper@tampabay.com. Follow him @hoop4you.