Make us your home page
Instagram

Today’s top headlines delivered to you daily.

(View our Privacy Policy)

A memo from the Almighty

MEMO

From: God

Re: Gay people

I'm writing to correct the apparently widespread impression that it's OK to be a bigot in My name. This situation recently arose when that noted American theologian Phil Robertson, the fella with the Me-like beard who whittles wood into things that quack, declared that, on the authority of his deeply held traditional Christian values, gay people are just awful. When he was punished for this by his employer, he found himself defended by many prominent conservatives, including Sarah Palin, who charged he was being censored by secularists for his religious beliefs — all as part of a supposed War on Me.

I can assure you there is no War on Me, for the obvious reason that if there were a War on Me, you would know it because it would be over very quickly and dramatically. There would be targeted plagues (boils, frogs, hemorrhoids, etc.) and surgical tornado strikes. I am not a subtle deity. When I wished to express disapproval of general public behavior, I sent a flood that wiped out the entire planet except one guy and his family.

But I do need to clarify the gay thing. It is true that the Old Testament looked with distinct disfavor on men who lie with men. But it also looked with distinct disfavor on anyone with "a flat nose." It said that if, on her wedding day, a woman is found not to be a virgin, she is to be put to death, along with equally heinous criminals who were caught working on the Sabbath.

The Old Testament also says this: If a man is fighting with another man, and one man's wife tries to help her husband by squeezing his opponent's testicles, the woman's hand must be chopped off. I still can't recall writing that, but here it is, Deuteronomy 25: 11-12, still stinkin' up the joint like an old mackerel. (Oh, I also wrote that a man may not "discover his father's skirt," a line that biblical scholars have been assiduously puzzling over for millennia. What subtle metaphor or parable was I reaching for? Some have suggested that by "skirt" I meant "woman." No. Your deity does not talk like Sinatra. Well, here's the real answer: no idea what I meant. It was 4,000 years ago for the love of Me!)

My point is, I am not a perfect God. I have written stuff that is wrongheaded, and stuff that is plain goofy. But as it happens, I am a just God, so I have tried to make up for my errors where I can. You guys need to be alert to these things, because they have Meaning.

For example, in the New Testament, My Only Begotten Son amends the 7th Commandment thus: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Behold: This stern admonishment only applies to men lusting for women. Note what variety of lust I was specifically exempting? Have fun, fellas. Sorry about that earlier thing.

© 2014 Washington Post Writers Group

A memo from the Almighty 01/16/14 [Last modified: Friday, January 17, 2014 6:31pm]
Photo reprints | Article reprints

Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post - Writers Group.
    

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

Loading...
  1. After offseason of work hard, play hard, DeSean Jackson ready to produce for Bucs

    Bucs

    TAMPA — There's no telling what DeSean Jackson will do once he gets a football in his hands. Perhaps that's why a camera crew followed his every move Wednesday while the Bucs' new $30 million receiver stood on a step of the hot tub that empties into a spacious, azure pool at his new, sprawling five-bedroom home in …

    DeSean Jackson jokes around with girlfriend Kayla Phillips at their Tampa home as a crew from HBO’s Hard Knocks documents their day.
  2. Trump announces $10 billion Foxconn plant in Wisconsin

    Politics

    WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump said Wednesday that electronics giant Foxconn will build a $10 billion factory in Wisconsin that's expected to initially create 3,000 jobs, the largest economic development project in state history.

    President Donald Trump embraces Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker in the East Room of the White House during an announcement Wednesday that Foxconn is going to build a plant in Wisconsin.
  3. Playoff chase heats up for Rays with key series at Yankees up first (w/ video)

    The Heater

    ST. PETERSBURG

    It was important that Evan Longoria crushed a two-run homer in the sixth inning Wednesday and Steven Souza Jr. blasted a solo shot off the farthest catwalk an inning later.

    Adeiny Hechavarria (11) and Tim Beckham (1) celebrate the double play to end the top of the sixth inning. [WILL VRAGOVIC   |   Times]
  4. Conservatives come to Sessions' defense amid Trump attacks

    Politics

    WASHINGTON — Congressional Republicans and influential conservatives rallied around Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Wednesday as President Donald Trump kept up his public pelting of the nation's top law enforcement officer and left his future in doubt.

    Attorney General Jeff Sessions
  5. Jones: Alex Cobb proves again why he's Rays' stopper, no matter how long he's here (w/ video)

    The Heater

    ST. PETERSBURG

    If a team hopes to hang around the pennant race, it better have an ace. A stopper. A pitcher it can count on every fifth day to stop the bleeding, keep a winning streak going or flat-out win a game that a team flat-out needs to win.

    Rays starting pitcher Alex Cobb (53) throwing the first inning. [WILL VRAGOVIC   |   Times]