Make us your home page

Today’s top headlines delivered to you daily.

(View our Privacy Policy)

Discourage abortions my way

Under a new Texas law, before performing an abortion, a doctor must show a patient a sonogram of her fetus, "describe its features," and make her hear its heartbeat. (And, yes, she has to listen; no sticking her fingers in her ears.) Liberals consider this to be state-sanctioned harassment, a sanctimonious intrusion of right-wing politics into medicine. They see it as both cruel and unnecessary, since abortion is not only a woman's constitutional right, but a deeply painful decision about which she has already thought long and hard.

Nah. I say the law's fine, but it doesn't go far enough. If Texas believes it is the state's responsibility to make sure people know what they're getting into, why start at a point where things have already gotten out of hand? We have to go further back, to nip this problem right in the bud.

My proposed law for Texas: Before a woman has sex with a man, she has to put on her makeup in the bathroom immediately after the guy has spent serious potty time there. Assuming she still wants to have sex with him, the next step is to make sure he knows what he is getting into: He must watch the lady walk around for a while with a sofa cushion under her shirt, kvetching about gas pains. Only then can they have sex. This will really cut down on abortions.

Now that I think of it, Texas should use this same "be forewarned" principle to attack other problems.

Problem: Texas has among the highest levels of obesity.

Solution: Before you are allowed to swallow a piece of food, you have to chew it up real well and then open your mouth in front of a mirror and closely inspect what is on your tongue.

Alternatively, you could have to personally kill whatever you eat. Yes, this would create an onerous situation at, say, a drive-thru window, but all public-policy improvements involve sacrifices. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs, after strangling the chicken.

Problem: Texas is plagued by one of the highest illiteracy rates in the country.

Solution: Before dropping out of school, non-readers are given a slip of paper that they are instructed to present to random people in the street. The students are told it's just a survey about what people think of the importance of literacy, but, in fact, it says things like, "Please, please, please give me a noogie," or, "I think people of your ethnic group are morons," or, "I like it when strangers rub their saliva into my hair," etc.

Problem: Grown men walking around in public with those doofy Stetson cowboy hats.

Solution: Before you can buy one, you have to put it on and have a cowboy-style bar fight with another guy in a hat: fists and broken beer bottles only. Winner is issued a gun and gets to make the other guy "dance."

(String-tie rider to Ten-Gallon Hat Bill: Before you can buy one of these pieces of neckwear, you have to look at yourself in the mirror for one minute and keep repeating "gawrsh, ma'am.")

And, finally, Texas can use the "be forewarned" approach to solve what might be its biggest problem.

Problem: Electing idiot politicians, particularly squinty-eyed, know-nothing governors who wear their ignorance like a sheriff's badge.

Solution: Equip all voting booths with a TV screen endlessly replaying the early Republican presidential debates.

© 2012 Washington Post Writers Group

Discourage abortions my way 02/11/12 [Last modified: Saturday, February 11, 2012 3:30am]
Photo reprints | Article reprints

Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post - Writers Group.

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

  1. Dirk Koetter, not Jameis Winston, has to make the call


    “Touchdown” Tom Jones, the best Bucs columnist in town, htook it to the house Tuesday when he wrote that Jameis Winston should do the right thing and take a seat if he’s not perfectly healthy to play at Buffalo.

    Dirk Koetter and Jameis Winston
  2. This is no time for Jameis Winston to play hero


    Don't be a hero, Jameis.

    Do the right thing. Do what's best.

     Quarterback Jameis Winston #3 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers sits on the bench during the NFL game against the Arizona Cardinals at the University of Phoenix Stadium on October 15, 2017 in Glendale, Arizona.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images) 700070683
  3. NBA off and running to its usual ending


    The NBA season began Tuesday night.

    It ends in June.

    Call me when the Warriors win.

    True, there was news Tuesday night, bad news, grisly news, as Celtics small forward and newcomer Gordon Hayward dislocated his ankle and broke his tibia in a look-away injury early in Boston’s opener at LeBron.

    Golden State's Steph Curry drives on the Houston Rockets on NBA Opening Night
  4. It's time for the Dodgers to be back in the World Series


    It’s hard to believe that it’s been 29 years since the Los Angeles Dodgers made the World Series. That’s far too long. I still remember being at Chavez Ravine for the 1988 World Series, watching Kirk Gibson homer into the right field stands to beat the Oakland A’s in Game 1.

    Been a long …

    The Los Angeles Dodgers congratulate each other after beating the Chicago Cubs in Game 3 of the National League Championship Series
  5. Kenny Chesney coming to Raymond James Stadium in Tampa


    Used to be you could set your watch to a Kenny Chesney concert at Tampa's Raymond James Stadium.