Make us your home page
Instagram

Today’s top headlines delivered to you daily.

(View our Privacy Policy)

Discourage abortions my way

Under a new Texas law, before performing an abortion, a doctor must show a patient a sonogram of her fetus, "describe its features," and make her hear its heartbeat. (And, yes, she has to listen; no sticking her fingers in her ears.) Liberals consider this to be state-sanctioned harassment, a sanctimonious intrusion of right-wing politics into medicine. They see it as both cruel and unnecessary, since abortion is not only a woman's constitutional right, but a deeply painful decision about which she has already thought long and hard.

Nah. I say the law's fine, but it doesn't go far enough. If Texas believes it is the state's responsibility to make sure people know what they're getting into, why start at a point where things have already gotten out of hand? We have to go further back, to nip this problem right in the bud.

My proposed law for Texas: Before a woman has sex with a man, she has to put on her makeup in the bathroom immediately after the guy has spent serious potty time there. Assuming she still wants to have sex with him, the next step is to make sure he knows what he is getting into: He must watch the lady walk around for a while with a sofa cushion under her shirt, kvetching about gas pains. Only then can they have sex. This will really cut down on abortions.

Now that I think of it, Texas should use this same "be forewarned" principle to attack other problems.

Problem: Texas has among the highest levels of obesity.

Solution: Before you are allowed to swallow a piece of food, you have to chew it up real well and then open your mouth in front of a mirror and closely inspect what is on your tongue.

Alternatively, you could have to personally kill whatever you eat. Yes, this would create an onerous situation at, say, a drive-thru window, but all public-policy improvements involve sacrifices. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs, after strangling the chicken.

Problem: Texas is plagued by one of the highest illiteracy rates in the country.

Solution: Before dropping out of school, non-readers are given a slip of paper that they are instructed to present to random people in the street. The students are told it's just a survey about what people think of the importance of literacy, but, in fact, it says things like, "Please, please, please give me a noogie," or, "I think people of your ethnic group are morons," or, "I like it when strangers rub their saliva into my hair," etc.

Problem: Grown men walking around in public with those doofy Stetson cowboy hats.

Solution: Before you can buy one, you have to put it on and have a cowboy-style bar fight with another guy in a hat: fists and broken beer bottles only. Winner is issued a gun and gets to make the other guy "dance."

(String-tie rider to Ten-Gallon Hat Bill: Before you can buy one of these pieces of neckwear, you have to look at yourself in the mirror for one minute and keep repeating "gawrsh, ma'am.")

And, finally, Texas can use the "be forewarned" approach to solve what might be its biggest problem.

Problem: Electing idiot politicians, particularly squinty-eyed, know-nothing governors who wear their ignorance like a sheriff's badge.

Solution: Equip all voting booths with a TV screen endlessly replaying the early Republican presidential debates.

© 2012 Washington Post Writers Group

Discourage abortions my way 02/11/12 [Last modified: Saturday, February 11, 2012 3:30am]
Photo reprints | Article reprints

Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post - Writers Group.
    

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

Loading...
  1. Comedian and activist Dick Gregory dies at 84

    Nation

    The comedian Dick Gregory rose to national prominence in the early 1960s as a black satirist whose audacious style of humor was biting, subversive and topical, mostly centered on current events, politics and above all, racial tensions. His trademark was the searing punchline.

    Dick Gregory, a comedian, activist and author, died Saturday. [Tribune News Service, 2011]
  2. Winter Haven police investigating armed robbery at Dollar General

    Crime

    WINTER HAVEN — Police are investigating an armed robbery Friday night of a Dollar General store on W Lake Ruby Drive.

  3. Rowdies settle for draw at home

    Soccer

    ST. PETERSBURG — The good news for the Rowdies is that they still haven't lost a game at Al Lang Stadium since late April. The bad news is they had to settle for a 1-1 tie against Ottawa on Saturday night in front of 6,710 sweaty fans.

  4. Bats come to life, but Rays' freefall continues (w/video)

    The Heater

    ST. PETERSBURG —The six runs seemed like a ton, just the second time the Rays had scored that many in a game during their numbing two-plus-weeks stretch of offensive impotency, and amazingly, the first time at the Trop in nearly two months.

    Lucas Duda connects for a two-run home run in the sixth, getting the Rays within 7-5. A Logan Morrison home run in the ninth made it 7-6, but Tampa Bay couldn’t complete the comeback.
  5. 'Free speech rally' cut short after massive counterprotest

    Nation

    BOSTON — Thousands of demonstrators chanting anti-Nazi slogans converged Saturday on downtown Boston in a boisterous repudiation of white nationalism, dwarfing a small group of conservatives who cut short their planned "free speech rally" a week after a gathering of hate groups led to bloodshed in Virginia.

    Thousands of people march against a “free speech rally” planned Saturday in Boston. About 40,000 people were in attendance.