A few weeks ago, I suggested some reasons why Mitt Romney won't release any more back tax returns — that they would reveal that his real name is Tiffani, that his house is equipped with moneybag elevators, etc. A number of readers contended this was evidence of some supposed bias of mine against Republicans and other reactionary lunatics.
Several letter writers challenged me to prove my objectivity by doing a similar hit job on President Barack Obama, who, they noted, hasn't released his college transcripts.
Frankly, this seems to me a more excusable omission. College is a time for personal "experimentation," which, in my case, was conducted on the scale of the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. I recently found my college transcript; it was so filled with "incompletes" and "withdrawals" that it might as well have noted that I majored in narcotics.
So, where's the big, impending surprise? Academic records are always a little embarrassing for candidates. During the 2000 presidential primaries, it was revealed that Bill Bradley — Rhodes scholar, Princeton graduate, famously obnoxious know-it-all — had gotten a score of 485 out of 800 on the verbal portion of his SATs. As I wrote at the time, that's roughly what a chicken would get, pecking at a keyboard.
Mostly, though, I don't think it's relevant, or fair, to start flinging around accusations about college transcripts. But then I discovered that a conservative website is actually offering a $35,000 "bounty" for Obama's. This doesn't appear to be a joke. I say that with confidence because the rest of the site is as funny as an aneurysm. (Mission statement: "We are here to ensure America's survival.") The site features a two-minute, slo-mo video of Islamic radicals cutting off a man's head.
Anyway, 35 grand is 35 grand. And it just so happens that I have exclusively obtained Obama's college transcripts, and it's quite clear why he doesn't want them released. I'll just give you the highlights:
• His birth name isn't "Barack Hussein Obama Jr." As politically problematic as that pseudonym proved to be, it turns out it is a significant improvement on his real name, "DeathToAmerica Obama Jr."
• Each page of the transcript has a stamp in Arabic. It translates to: Never to be released under penalty of death, by order of the caliphate ...
• His college loan application was co-signed by Idi Amin.
• Several of his grades were changed from C to A, with a handwritten notation: "Affirmative Action."
• It turns out he was not president of the Harvard Law Review. He was president of the Harvard Shariah Law Review.
• In retrospect, his admission application probably should have been more carefully vetted for possible irregularities. It contained letters of recommendation from Barry White, Martin Luther King Jr. and Frederick Douglass.
• He took his junior year abroad in Ho Chi Minh City.
• He was president of the Foreign-Born Students Association.
• His senior thesis in economics, a new paradigm for wealth-distribution in America, was titled "Mugging Whitey."
So, there you have it, conservative website: Send me my 35 grand, and I will send you the complete transcripts just as soon as your check clears.
© 2012 Washington Post Writers Group