Thursday, April 26, 2018
Perspective

On the line, out of line

Today, another installment in my Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer service representative.

Jif peanut butter

Me: I have an idea for a marketing campaign for your product. You know those short, silent, funny video loops that are all over the Internet, called G-I-F files? They're really popular, like the one of Hitler eating watermelon.

Bethany: Sure!

Me: I bet you didn't know they're pronounced "Jifs."

Bethany: Actually, I did!

Me: Then you see where I'm going with this?

Bethany: I think so!

Me: You market Jif with GIFs, and you'll go viral.

Bethany: But what would it be? The image?

Me: Hitler eating peanut butter!

Bethany:

Me: Hello? Hello?

• • •

Jif peanut butter, second call

Me: I have a complaint. I bought your product but it still has some hard bits of peanut in it.

Nancy: So you're looking for something real creamy, and you don't have it?

Me: Right.

Nancy: I'm sorry. Okay, if you have the jar, read me the UPC and serial number.

Me: (I do.)

Nancy: Sir, that is extra crunchy peanut butter.

Me: I KNOW. THAT IS WHAT I AM COMPLAINING ABOUT.

Nancy: It's made that way.

Me: You leave it unfinished on purpose? "We haven't squashed all of the peanuts yet, but let's just call it a day?"

Nancy: Some people like it like that. It's the only kind they buy.

Me: I suppose that's why people love spinach with the sand still in it.

• • •

Bella Famiglia Mediterranean extra virgin olive oil

Me: I want you to know I'm not the kind of immature guy who sees double-entendres everywhere. But I've been studying your label, and I think you have some explaining to do about "Extra Virgin."

Ashley: Okay.

Me: The label says the olives have been "selected for their smooth, delicate perfume and fully rounded body." That's pretty suggestive language, isn't it?

Ashley: I'm not sure I ...

Me: And "olive" is an anagram for "I love." If it ended there, we wouldn't be talking. But I think you know it doesn't end there, Ashley. "Bella Famiglia Mediterranean," as you may well know, is an anagram of "Man, re: bridal female genitalia."

Ashley:

Me: "Extra virgin," indeed.

Ashley:

Me: I'm sorry about this, Ashley. I don't invent anagrams; they are already out there, hidden, with mystical meanings. I just channel them. It's a gift.

Laurie: (cutting in) I'm the supervisor. May I help you?

Me: Can you explain this remarkable coincidence?

Laurie: No.

© 2014 Washington Post Writers Group

Comments
PolitiFact: Understanding felon voting rights restoration

PolitiFact: Understanding felon voting rights restoration

When felons leave prison, should they regain the right to vote?Thatís a question that many states have grappled with in recent decades. Florida and New York made recent headlines for policies on restoration of voting rights, and those policies have b...
Updated: 8 hours ago

Oh, Florida! For our Puerto Rican evacuees, a primer on Florida politics

Casablanca again, and as always I got sucked in by the romantic triangle of Rick, Ilsa and Captain Renault. (Oh, and Victor. Hmm, I guess itís more of a love rhombus.)Anyway, thereís a scene in there that never fails to make me think of Florida. Two ...
Updated: 4 hours ago
Perspective: The Heartland to Headwaters Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition finds frustration and fear seeking a safe path for wildlife across Interstate 4

Perspective: The Heartland to Headwaters Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition finds frustration and fear seeking a safe path for wildlife across Interstate 4

The original Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition in 2012 was inspired by how the Florida black bear roamed ó and the space it needed to do so successfully. In 2010, expedition team member Joe Guthrie conducted research through the University of Kent...
Published: 04/22/18
Book review: James Comey wants to explain himself

Book review: James Comey wants to explain himself

In 2016, as the director of the FBI, James Comey publicly dissected Hillary Clintonís email server controversy. Later, we learned that Comey was keeping to himself the beginnings of an investigation into Russiaís active interference in the U.S. elect...
Published: 04/19/18
Updated: 04/20/18
Column: Why the Starbucks racial bias training is more than just good PR

Column: Why the Starbucks racial bias training is more than just good PR

Starbucks isnít really in the coffee business. Weíve known that for over a decade. McDonaldís coffee is better and cheaper than Starbucks, but that hasnít done any harm to the coffee shopís bottom line. Thatís because what people are paying for when ...
Published: 04/19/18
Updated: 04/20/18

"ISNíT EVEN A 1,"is how Michael Cohen, President Donald Trumpís personal lawyer and close friend, would rate on a scale of 1 to 100, where 100 is fully protecting the president. Thatís how one of Trumpís longtime legal advisers, Jay Goldberg, says he...
Published: 04/16/18
Updated: 04/20/18
Perspective: The Heartland to Headwaters Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition will hope to find a path across Interstate 4 for wildlife

Perspective: The Heartland to Headwaters Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition will hope to find a path across Interstate 4 for wildlife

n two expeditions, three friends and trailblazing conservationists have already trekked more than 2,000 miles through wildlands crisscrossing the state to prove the viability of a Florida Wildlife Corridor, a network of the best remaining connected w...
Published: 04/13/18
Updated: 04/14/18
A Little Perspective: Interesting news and notes from around the world

A Little Perspective: Interesting news and notes from around the world

THE QUIZ: Four cards are laid in front of you, each of which has a letter on one side and a number on the other. The sides that you see read E, 2, 5 and F. Your task is to turn over only those cards that could decisively prove the truth or falsity of...
Published: 04/12/18
Updated: 04/20/18
PolitiFact: A closer look at attorney-client privilege after raid of Donald Trumpís lawyer

PolitiFact: A closer look at attorney-client privilege after raid of Donald Trumpís lawyer

President Donald Trump lashed out after the FBI seized business records, emails and tax documents belonging to his personal attorney Michael Cohen.Law enforcement executed warrants on Cohenís Manhattan office, home and hotel room as part of an invest...
Published: 04/11/18
Updated: 04/13/18
Smith: Adam Putnam knows Florida, but that might not be enough today to become governor

Smith: Adam Putnam knows Florida, but that might not be enough today to become governor

Here is a little secret among reporters who regularly interact with Gov. Rick Scott:Reporters know it rarely matters if they happen to miss one of the governorís periodic and brief question and answer sessions. He almost never says anything.How shou...
Published: 04/11/18
Updated: 04/13/18