Make us your home page
Instagram

Today’s top headlines delivered to you daily.

(View our Privacy Policy)

Andy Borowitz

Satire

Satire: CIA tracks bin Laden using Twitter

In what some are calling a breakthrough in the hunt for the world's most wanted man, the Central Intelligence Agency revealed today that it is following Osama bin Laden on Twitter.

The decision to track bin Laden's movements, moods and musical tastes came late last week after the agency discovered he was using the popular social networking utility.

"We thought we were detecting an increase in chatter from Osama bin Laden," CIA chief Leon Panetta told reporters today. "What it turned out to be was an increase in tweets."

Panetta said the agency's success in tracking bin Laden via Twitter would depend on its ability to decode a series of seemingly indecipherable messages.

"So far he is tweeting in code, using such terms as LOL and OMFG," Panetta said. "At this point we have no idea what he is trying to say."

The spy chief said that bin Laden's Twitter usage seems to peak between the hours of 8 and 9 p.m. on Mondays: "This may simply be a coincidence, but that's when Gossip Girl is on."

Satire: CIA tracks bin Laden using Twitter 03/07/09 [Last modified: Saturday, March 7, 2009 3:30am]
Photo reprints | Article reprints

© 2017 Tampa Bay Times

    

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

Loading...
  1. Winner and loser of the week in Florida politics

    Blogs

    Winner of the week 1: 'Liquor wall’ proponents. Gov. Rick Scott’s veto of a bill to allow Walmart, Target and other big box stores to sell liquor was a victory for an array of groups, from smaller merchants and Publix (which has stand-alone booze shops near its stores) to those who feel the hard stuff …

  2. Review / photos: Sunset Music Festival brings Major Lazer, safety upgrades to Raymond James Stadium in Tampa

    Blogs

    Somewhere beyond the barricades and mountainous LED stages of the Sunset Music Festival, there had to be worry. There had to thousands of parents in parking lots and empty kitchens, anxiously distracting their minds, every now and then checking their phones.

    Major Lazer headlined the Sunset Music Festival on May 27, 2017 at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa.
  3. 24-year-old man charged with murder in shooting at Andrea Cove Motel

    LARGO — Pinellas sheriff's officers arrested a 24-year-old transient man Saturday in connection with a homicide at the Andrea Cove Motel in unincorporated Largo.

  4. Photo gallery: Calvary Christian rolls to state title

    Blogs

    View a gallery of images from Calvary Christian's defeat of Pensacola Catholic 11-1 in six innings Saturday night at Hammond Stadium in Ft. Myers for the Class 4A title.

    Calvary Christian players circle up on the field before the FHSAA class 4A baseball championship against Pensacola Catholic on Friday May 27, 2017 at Hammond Stadium in Fort Myers, Fla. Calvary scored 6 runs in the first inning, and had 7 hits.
  5. Two girls found safe after being reported missing in New Port Richey

    UPDATE: Both girls were found safe Saturday night, police said.