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Seller beware of him

WASHINGTON

Another installment in my Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer-service representative.

Pepperidge Farm whole wheat bread

Me: You know that little slotted plastic disc thing that cinches the bag closed? Does it have an official name?

Lynn: I call it a little plastic clamp. I'm not sure there is a more technical name.

Me: I'm going to suggest a name. I'll give it to your company for free. Do you have paper and pencil?

Lynn: Yep.

Me: Okay, here it is. Write down an exclamation point, then an ampersand, then an asterisk. You with me?

Lynn: Yes.

Me: Okay, then an at-the-price-of sign, then finally another exclamation point. That's the name. Because that's what people say when the thing breaks the second time they try to use it. Is there a more flimsy, negligible product on the face of the Earth?

Lynn:

Me: Okay, maybe the frill from the top of a cocktail weenie toothpick.

SodaStream home soda maker

Me: I am very dissatisfied with your product.

Felicia: What seems to be the problem?

Me: I used it, but my bike tires are still flat.

Felicia: Well, have you tried troubleshooting? I can walk you through ... wait, what?

Me: It wouldn't inflate my bike tires. Or my basketball.

Felicia: It's not supposed to be used for those purposes. It's for making seltzer or soda.

Me: Really? I like seltzer!

Felicia: Great! That's what you should use it for!

Me: If I inhale the gas from it, will it make my voice all funny and squeaky?

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online on Tuesday at noon Eastern at www.washingtonpost.com.

© 2011 Washington Post Writers Group

Seller beware of him 02/26/11 [Last modified: Saturday, February 26, 2011 3:30am]
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