Another installment in my Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer-service representative.
Pepperidge Farm whole wheat bread
Me: You know that little slotted plastic disc thing that cinches the bag closed? Does it have an official name?
Lynn: I call it a little plastic clamp. I'm not sure there is a more technical name.
Me: I'm going to suggest a name. I'll give it to your company for free. Do you have paper and pencil?
Me: Okay, here it is. Write down an exclamation point, then an ampersand, then an asterisk. You with me?
Me: Okay, then an at-the-price-of sign, then finally another exclamation point. That's the name. Because that's what people say when the thing breaks the second time they try to use it. Is there a more flimsy, negligible product on the face of the Earth?
Me: Okay, maybe the frill from the top of a cocktail weenie toothpick.
SodaStream home soda maker
Me: I am very dissatisfied with your product.
Felicia: What seems to be the problem?
Me: I used it, but my bike tires are still flat.
Felicia: Well, have you tried troubleshooting? I can walk you through ... wait, what?
Me: It wouldn't inflate my bike tires. Or my basketball.
Felicia: It's not supposed to be used for those purposes. It's for making seltzer or soda.
Me: Really? I like seltzer!
Felicia: Great! That's what you should use it for!
Me: If I inhale the gas from it, will it make my voice all funny and squeaky?
Gene Weingarten can be reached at email@example.com. Chat with him online on Tuesday at noon Eastern at www.washingtonpost.com.
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