Make us your home page
Instagram

Today’s top headlines delivered to you daily.

(View our Privacy Policy)

The returns of the zombie: What's Mitt hiding?

We've entered the final stretch of the presidential election, and it has become apparent that Mitt Romney actually won't release any more back tax returns, on the moral principle that nobody can make him, so neener, neener. Clearly, Romney has decided that whatever is in those returns is worse than the daily pounding about this that he is getting from his opponent, from the media and even from his own supporters.

On one hand, it would be unfair and irresponsible of me to baselessly speculate about what embarrassing facts those tax returns might reveal. On the other hand, no one can stop me, so neener, neener.

If there's a smoking gun, I predict it's going to be one or more of the following:

His actual legal name is neither Mitt nor Willard. It is Tiffani.

He has a controlling interest in the Impossible to Open Packaging Company, the Speed Trap Camera Mfrs. of America and/or the No You Can't Ever Reach a Human corporate-voice-mail development company.

He is still paying down a huge settlement for an ill-fated high school prank in which he accidentally cut off a classmate's head with scissors.

He employs a hair stylist, massage therapist and self-esteem counselor for the dancing horse.

His tax-shelter plan is so shrewd that he is, technically, indigent. He qualifies for, and uses, food stamps.

He lists $2.4 million in gambling losses from individual $10,000 bets he made with other politicians on whether he can prove his facts.

He owns an orphanage full of children with the same organ-tissue types of all his family members.

He keeps on retainer a company called Ace Android Repair.

His butler has a six-figure salary, as does his butler's butler.

He takes depreciation on a yacht named I Am Better Than You.

In addition to his car elevator, he also has a horse elevator and a moneybag elevator.

His household staff includes a jester, a food taster and, for Ann, a lady-in-waiting. He deducts the cost of whips for flogging the servants.

He writes off his extensive remedial "acting like a person" lessons.

Every year, he takes a business deduction for leasing his sons from Central Casting.

He files two tax returns every year, one as old-school liberal Mitt and one as tooth-gnashing, conservative Mitt. The IRS commissioner has specifically ruled this okay, saying they are "two different people entirely."

After firing his brother-in-law, Murray, he offshored his tax prep to the accounting firm of Rajnish & Hasbani, of Peshawar. It charged him $115, based on 200 billable hours.

Of course, maybe it's none of the above. Maybe we're thinking about this all wrong, and Romney isn't afraid of looking like a rich, elitist snob who games the system and pays only a 15 percent tax rate. Maybe he's afraid of looking like a sucker. Remember, the tax returns in question are from 2009 and before. Maybe Mitt is humiliated to have to admit that when he trusted his American brother-in-law, he was paying 35 percent taxes, just like all the rest of us ordinary dirtbags.

Rachel Manteuffel contributed to this column.

© 2012 Washington Post Writers Group

The returns of the zombie: What's Mitt hiding? 09/01/12 [Last modified: Saturday, September 1, 2012 4:30am]
Photo reprints | Article reprints

Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post - Writers Group.
    

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

Loading...
  1. Bucs journal: Kicker Nick Folk has up and downs against Jaguars

    Bucs

    JACKSONVILLE — If the Bucs had hoped for a drama-free night in their kicking game, they'll have to wait another week.

    Bucs kicker Nick Folk celebrates one of his two made field goals against the Jaguars, but he also misses a field goal and has an extra point blocked.
  2. Late night update: Second wave follows Tropical Storm Harvey

    Hurricanes

    UPDATE: At 11 p.m. the National Hurricane Center said a hurricane hunter plane had determined that Tropical Storm Harvey had formed with sustained winds of 40 mph.

    Three tropical waves are expected to strengthen as they move across the Atlantic Ocean. [Courtesy of the National Hurricane Center]
  3. Stealth anti-Jack Latvala group tied to Adam Putnam campaign

    Blogs

    Politico reports:

     A longtime political consultant for Republican gubernatorial candidate Adam Putnam is behind a website calling one of his rivals in the race, state Sen. Jack Latvala, a “liberal.”

  4. Council gives in to pension dispute with St. Pete firefighters

    Local Government

    ST. PETERSBURG — The City Council was forced to consider its first labor dispute in years Thursday when it gave the firefighters union most of the pension enhancements it has long asked for.

    The firefighters’ union won a pension victory at Thursday’s City Council meeting. [SCOTT KEELER    |      TIMES]
  5. Bucs top Jaguars behind strong first half

    Bucs

    JACKSONVILLE

    There is a reason why the air in Tampa Bay is filled with playoff talk. If Thursday night's 12-8 Bucs preseason win over the Jaguars is any indication, it's also going to be filled with footballs thrown by quarterback Jameis Winston.

    Doug Martin gets the Bucs’ only touchdown  on a 2-yard run, squeaking past linebacker Telvin Smith in the first quarter. He has five carries for 30 yards.