Make us your home page
Instagram

Today’s top headlines delivered to you daily.

(View our Privacy Policy)

Weingarten: Want a date? Don't do this

A top-10 list of "Ways to Flirt Sexually" arrived on the Internet a few weeks ago on a dating site called AskMen.com. It was so spectacularly lame I wanted to write about it, but it literally disappeared before my eyes, taken down quicker than Pee-wee Herman in a steel-cage grudge match with Gavin "The Human Hate Machine" Alexander. A Google search still delivers links to it, but they send you harmlessly to AskMen's home page; Stalin-esquely, most histories were also wiped out.

So, unfortunately, I'll just have to drop the subject entirely and write about something else.

Ha-ha. Just kidding. I immediately put a team of Internet sleuths on the job. They joyfully descended like the NSA on bin Laden's hard drive, and we have now pieced together the original article in its entirety.

I sent the reconstructed article to several women of my acquaintance. From their reactions, I realized I had to ask the author an important question. But he didn't respond to my request for an interview. So I'll ask it here: "Have you ever actually talked to a real, live woman?"

The article recommends that men communicate with women they wish to bed by turning all conversation, however innocuous, into double-entendre. For example:

"If you find out a woman is from Spain, you can say to her, 'Hmm ... you know what they say about women from Spain, don't you?' Then, let your sly smile and rock-solid eye contact suggest that you know Spanish women are … well, let's just say a lot of fun."

Also: "Let's suppose you bring a female guest a cup of tea. You can follow by saying, 'Looks like you're on the receiving end today. Do you always receive, or do you like to give at times, too?' Crack a slight smile, and she will know exactly what you're talking about."

And: "If she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like, 'Big can be a good thing, don't you think?' "

If a woman tells you she is vacuuming, the article says, you should "show that you're sex-savvy" by informing her that she is probably ovulating, since women are known to vacuum as a way of "cleaning the nest" before "laying their egg."

Some reviews:

My friend Caitlin Gibson: "This might conceivably land you a date to the junior prom."

My friend Gina Barreca: "This sounds like dating advice from Grease. But not from Travolta. From his loser friends Kenickie, Doody and Putzie."

My friend Christine Lavin, whose folk songs are often about relationships gone awry, read the article and then immediately rerecorded her voice mail message, now a throaty, sex-drenched, Bacall-like purr. She can't come to the phone, she says, because she is (long pause) vacuuming. You can find her message at www.bitly.com/genevoicemail.

Anyway, I decided that AskMen.com can use a little help. So I'm offering it free pointers for its next dating feature:

1. If you spot a hottie in a skirt or dress, a good way to show that you are attracted is to sidle up next to her with a mirror taped to the top of your shoe.

2. A good ice-breaker: Tell a lady that your entire collection of pornography is of women who look like her.

3. Don't be bashful about touting physical assets; that is, mention that you still have all your teeth. Offer to let her count them.

4. Women love hearing that smoochy sound as they walk past you, but nonverbal communication is also important. Practice basic semaphores, such as tracing that hourglass figure in the air with your hands.

5. Stay up-to-date on the best techniques via AskMen.com.

© 2013 Washington Post Writers Group

Weingarten: Want a date? Don't do this 10/03/13 [Last modified: Friday, October 4, 2013 4:38pm]
Photo reprints | Article reprints

Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post - Writers Group.
    

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

Loading...
  1. Trump fallout: Bucs' DeSean Jackson to make 'statement' Sunday

    Bucs

    Bucs receiver DeSean Jackson said Saturday that he will make a "statement" before today's game against the Vikings in response to President Donald Trump's comment that owners should "fire" players who kneel in protest during the national anthem.

    Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver DeSean Jackson (11) makes a catch during the first half of an NFL game between the Chicago Bears and Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Fla., on Sunday, Sept. 17, 2017.
  2. Kriseman invites Steph Curry to St. Pete on Twitter

    Blogs

    Mayor Rick Kriseman is no stranger to tweaking President Donald Trump on social media.

    Mayor Rick Kriseman took to Twitter Saturday evening to wade into President Donald Trump's latest social media scuffle
  3. Death toll, humanitarian crisis grow in Puerto Rico

    World

    SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — A humanitarian crisis grew Saturday in Puerto Rico as towns were left without fresh water, fuel, power or phone service following Hurricane Maria's devastating passage across the island.

    Crew members assess electrical lines in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria on Friday in Puerto Rico. Mobile communications systems are being flown in but “it’s going to take a while.”
  4. N. Korea says strike against U.S. mainland is 'inevitable'

    World

    North Korea's foreign minister warned Saturday that a strike against the U.S. mainland is "inevitable" because President Donald Trump mocked leader Kim Jong Un with the belittling nickname "little rocketman."

  5. All-eyes photo gallery: Florida State Seminoles loss to the N.C. State Wolfpack

    News

    View a gallery of images from the Florida State Seminoles 27-21 loss to the N.C. State Wolfpack Saturday in Tallahassee. The Seminoles will face Wake Forest on Saturday, Sept. 30 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

    Florida State Seminoles fans sing the fight song during the Florida State Seminoles game against the North Carolina State Wolfpack on September 23, 2017, at Doak Campbell Stadium in Tallahassee, Fla.  At the half, North Carolina State Wolfpack 17, Florida State Seminoles 10.