A play in one act
by William Shakespeare
(Enter BAKERUS, Brutus Deveron GIBBONUS, Ken BURKUS, the SELECTION COMMITTEE and a SOOTHSAYER).
BAKERUS: Who is it in the crowd that calls on me? I hear a tongue shriller than all my guitar music cry out, "Caesar!" Speak, and I will hear.
SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of February.
BAKERUS: What man is that?
GIBBONUS: A man bids you, beware the ides of February.
BAKERUS: He is a dreamer, let us leave him.
(Exeunt all but GIBBONUS and BURKUS.)
BURKUS: Brutus, I observe you now of late;
I have not from your eyes the gentleness
And show of love for Caesar as you were wont to have.
GIBBONUS: Vexed I am of late with passions of some difference,
Related to my late campaign for mayor,
In which I full expected a word from he whom once I loved,
Nay, indeed — one who once elevated me to respect'd station
But in my time of direst need did stay his hand
And leave me to my fate. In short, the $&#@ didn't endorse me.
(A flourish and shout in the distance.)
But what means this shouting? I fear the board of trustees chooses him as the next president of St. Petersburg College.
BURKUS: Ye gods, it doth amaze me, that a man of such political temper should get to run a college.
Especially after the last guy.
ALL: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, we'll eliminate him, and on the double!
BURKUS: Wrong play, but we're with you.
BAKERUS (to Soothsayer): The ides of February have come.
SOOTHSAYER: Ay, Caesar, but not gone.
BURKUS (to Gibbonus): See, now, how our allies draw away Dick Johnstonus and Ken Welchius and flummox them with changes in the rules. Our time is near.
(The SELECTION COMMITTEE votes. BAKERUS is initially in the top three.)
JOHNSTONUS: Yes, Gibbonus? You would speak?
GIBBONUS: Clearly there are two best choices here,
And the rest are also-rans. I say we throw these back into the pot, and vote and vote again.
BAKERUS: Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar!
(The SELECTION COMMITTEE sets upon him with rules changes and multiple votes. BAKERUS is eliminated from the list of finalists.)
(Enter all. GIBBONUS addresses the throng.)
GIBBONUS: If you demand to know why I rose against Caesar, this is my answer: Not that I loved Caesar less … well, okay. Actually, I loved him less.
WELCHIUS: Is this where I am supposed to say, "Friends, Romans, countrymen" and all that? Or is this the part where his ghost comes back and gets revenge and wins anyway?
GIBBONUS: I think that's a different play also.
JOHNSTONUS: Or the next act.