March 12, 2014
Democratic Party seeks perfect congressional candidate
Think you have what it takes to fix Washington, D.C.? Enjoy long walks on the beach with potential voters? The Florida Democratic Party has a job for you! We are seeking well-qualified, well-spoken, well-intended candidates for Pinellas County's congressional seat. Pay no mind to the Republican currently in the office. Democrats will soon prevail in the name of universal health care and America.
So why did Democrats lose the recent special election? Just to clear the way for you! The perfect candidate will have a law degree with previous experience in the public sector and be an excellent fundraiser. Military experience is a bonus, and candidates will be thoroughly vetted. Smokers need not apply.
Send resumes to email@example.com.
March 26, 2014
Democratic Party seeks excellent congressional candidate
Plenty of time still left to meet the job of your dreams. You will dance, you will sing, you will legislate. Money is no object; the Florida Democratic Party will bankroll you.
Do not sell yourself short. Imperfections are sexy. You might lack a college degree, but experience with unemployment can be a plus on the campaign trail. Belief in climate change is a must, but support for Obamacare is negotiable.
Look for us online at linkedin.com.
April 9, 2014
Democratic Party seeks interested congressional candidates
Response has been so overwhelming, we are extending the deadline to apply for this once-in-a-lifetime chance. As America's all-inclusive party, we will not discriminate against anyone seeking the nomination for the Pinellas congressional district.
Do not fret if youthful indiscretions have led to a previous arrest or two. Expert expunging is all part of our candidate makeover package. We do prefer a native of Pinellas County, but a P.O. Box somewhere in Tampa Bay is also acceptable.
Apply on Twitter under #longshot.
April 16, 2014
Democratic Party seeks coherent U.S. citizens
Limited-time offer. Run for Congress now, and we guarantee Charlie Crist will appear at a minimum of two campaign events. (One appearance may be limited to driving within 100 feet of the candidate and repeatedly honking the horn while waving.)
Potential candidates should be aware that drug use is frowned upon during official campaign events.
Forward your match.com video to us.
April 23, 2014
Democratic Party seeks … someone
Dead-end job got you down? Tired of living in your parents' basement? You might want to consider the Democratic Party's nomination for Congress in Pinellas County.
No application will be ignored. While special consideration will be given to registered Democrats, we will not rule out Republicans, Libertarians, the Green Party, Whigs and Communists. (Proletariats only, please.)
See Chet at the Post Office for relevant forms.
May 8, 2014
Former Democratic Party staffers seek meeting with David Jolly
Off to a great start, Congressman Jolly!
Might there be any job openings in your office?