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If you think it's weird in Florida now, just wait

June 1 (Actual, true item): Gov. Charlie Crist lays waste to Florida by signing a law allowing developers to build whatever they want without regard for impact on roads.

June 30 (Actual, true item): Crist signs another law allowing secret approval of big water-use permits. He adds a letter asking water districts not to do it even though he just said they could.

July 5: Crist accidentally signs and vetoes a bill at the same time, creating a constitutional and legal crisis. Asked which action he intended, Crist answers: "Yes."

July 7: Crist signs a law allowing for paving over of state parks: "I mean, why are they called 'parks' unless there's a place to do it?"

July 9: Ill feelings erupt at state aircraft hangar in Tallahassee when Lt. Gov. Jeff Kottkamp and the entire state Cabinet simultaneously attempt to commute home for the weekend.

July 9: Crist signs various bills with the messages: "As I see it, yes," "It is certain," "Outlook good," and, "Ask again later." Aides discover a Magic 8-Ball on governor's desk.

July 12: Florida Supreme Court rules that "Concentrate and try again" is a valid veto message.

July 15: In response to secret election to choose new Pinellas-Pasco chief judge, local taxpayers announce Pinellas-Pasco judges will be paid with "secret paychecks."

July 17: Florida Senate instructs its members and staffers not to cooperate with investigations by CSI: Miami.

Aug. 1: Yet another document is discovered in the Ray Sansom case, not previously released by Northwest Florida State College despite multiple public-records requests, stating: "Look, it's a freakin' aircraft hangar, okay?"

Aug. 4: Attorney General Bill McCollum and state Chief Financial Office Alex Sink spend an entire Cabinet meeting saying to each other, "I know you are, but what am I?"

Aug. 8: Pinellas School Board member Nina Hayden announces that if she is elected to the state Senate, she will immediately run for something else.

Aug. 10: Senate President Jeff Atwater is caught gigging sea turtles in front of a coastal condominium complex. His comment: "I thought you said beach nourishment."

Aug. 14: Revelation that the recently botched vote in Iran was subcontracted to former Hillsborough County Elections Supervisor Buddy Johnson, who spent $3.4 million on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ink pens.

Aug. 22: Fourteen-mile long algae bloom, still spreading in Tampa Bay, is annexed by St. Petersburg and sent a property tax bill.

Aug. 30: Class-action lawsuit filed against "everybody else in the world" by the Association of Teen Mothers With Violent Ex-Boyfriends and People Who Get Into Deadly Fights in McDonald's Drive-Through Lanes.

Sept. 1: Legislature announces new "Everybody Has to Pay $5,000 More So We Can Still Claim We Didn't Raise Your Taxes" fee.

Sept. 3: Crist signs the "Feed Nuclear Waste to Little Kids Act of 2009," explaining his decision by saying: "It's all about the children. After all, children are our future."

Sept. 10: The entire field of candidates for state attorney general is kidnapped and held hostage for four days before anyone notices.

Sept. 14: Crist appoints Buddy Johnson as Hillsborough elections supervisor ("a man of experience").

Sept. 20: Crist destroys Tokyo.

If you think it's weird in Florida now, just wait 07/04/09 [Last modified: Saturday, July 4, 2009 5:41pm]
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