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Dear Ash: Can I have some of the pension fund, too?

Fictitious E-mails Concerning the State Pension Fund

To: Ash Williams, executive director

From: Your old pal Andy

Hey, how's it going, buddy? Boy, I still get a kick thinking about the good old days! Let's grab a bite sometime. You remember Biff and Mikey, don't you? You want to sink a spare $100 million into their fund? Here's the info — of course you know not to worry about the "high risk" warning, which is just what the poopy old feds make us say. LOL!

To: Andy:

From: Ash

Hey! Sure, Biff and Mikey, those old rascals! Here's the $100 mil, and what about next Tuesday?

To: Ash Williams

From: Your Number Two

The press is asking about this fund deal. Please review the attached e-mail with deletions. We'll tell 'em we're censoring the public record because it's about, you know, top-secret business stuff.


The xxxx fund is xxxxx xx xxxx xxxx related to xxxxx xxxxxx xx foreclosures of Floridians kicked out of their xxxxx due to xxxx, which we can do really fast. Compensation of the fund managers will be based on xxxx xxxx xx unmarked bills xxxxx xx xxx serial numbers xxxx xx xxxx corner of xxxx and xxxx. Come alone.

To Number Two:

From: Ash Williams

I'd black out more of it.

To: Ash Williams

From: Staff

Attached is the rigorous financial disclosure for your own personal investments required under Florida law. Please review and approve.




I own some stuff.

To: The Honorable Florida Pension Fund

From: Daniel O'Kinsey Esq.

I have the honor of being DANIEL O'KINSEY ESQ., high counsel to the crown prince of Nigeria. We seek your assistance in moving $750m US out of our country because of recent unfortunate political events. We offer you the Finder's Fee of $250 MILLION US if you would be so kindly as to deposit $100m US of your funds as a show of faith and to handle the necessary preparations. Until I hear from you, I am, most sincerely, DANIEL O'KINSEY ESQ.

To: Daniel O'Kinsey Esq.

From: Ash Williams

My advisers are enthusiastic about your offer, especially since it does not involve pesky compliance issues with the Securities and Exchange Commission, and it presents high returns at low risk. Please back up a truck to our offices to take delivery of a large supply of cash.

To: The Florida Cabinet (Gov. Charlie Crist, Attorney General Bill McCollum, Chief Financial Officer Alex Sink)

From: Ash Williams

We'd like to triple Florida's investment in "alternative assets" such as hedge funds. A guy I know told me that he is pretty sure we can get higher returns at lower risk. Wow, higher returns at lower risk! I'm sold, how about you?

To: Auto-Reply

From: The Florida Cabinet

Hi, this is the Florida Cabinet. We're all out running for some other office right now and not here to answer e-mails. If you happen to be a state pension chief asking for permission to triple Florida's investment in unregulated, "alternative" funds, however, that's just fine by us.

Dear Ash: Can I have some of the pension fund, too? 07/07/10 [Last modified: Wednesday, July 7, 2010 9:12pm]
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