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The fake year in review, Part I

Jan. 1: State minimum wage increases by 42 cents an hour. Floridians switch from bread to cake.

Jan. 6: No more free beer at Busch Gardens. Other people's kids now much more annoying.

Jan. 7: Ballot boxes bought by former Hillsborough elections chief Buddy Johnson cost $1,850 apiece. Explanation: fur-lined.

Jan. 8: The Legislature changes name of "Florida Forever" land-buying program to "We Were Just Kidding."

Jan. 10: A report that ranks Pinellas schools high in spending on bureaucrats is disputed by the Assistant Deputy to the Third Associate Superintendent.

Jan. 20: Participants in "Lingerie Bowl" object to proposed nudist-camp locale on the grounds it "makes a mockery of our sport."

Jan. 28: State Farm to stop insuring Florida homes, keep insuring cars. Fortunately, a record number of Floridians are living in their cars.

Feb. 1: Criminals steal St. Petersburg City Hall in broad daylight. Response from police Chief Chuck Harmon: "Thefts of City Hall are statistically rare."

Feb. 11: Gov. Charlie Crist does not stand on stage with President Barack Obama to endorse the stimulus. He doesn't hug him, either.

Feb. 11: Lawyer for a troubled appeals judge blames judge's resignation on "aspersions." Stripper Christy "Aspersions" Yamanaka unavailable for comment.

Feb. 14: A universally loved dean at the University of South Florida generously gives a $100 bicycle as a gift to a friend.

Feb. 19: A record 95,000 applications are pending for concealed weapons in Florida before President Obama can take them away and make everybody wear pink undies.

March 3: Temporary shortage of money cripples Tallahassee after fundraisers for the Legislature.

March 7: An athletics scandal at Florida State University causes deep soul searching over How This Affects Coach Bowden's Record.

March 17: Tampa Bay's desalination plant breaks down when flu strikes the hamsters in the little wheels.

April 3: Entire state work force retires to start collecting pension, gets rehired.

April 7: Acquitted student Youssef Megahed is rearrested by Inspector Javert.

April 18: Grand jury blasts the Legislature's corrupt culture. The Legislature scratches its butt and burps.

May 2: Nuclear power plant: delayed. Advance billing to customers for nuclear power plant: not delayed.

May 5: Pinellas County renames it the "Brooker Creek Water Pipe and Caustic Chemical Preserve."

May 7: The world briefly stops rotating for opening of an IKEA store in Tampa.

May 20: Slumlord Steven Green begins prison sentence with roaches, no hot water.

May 20: Pinellas grants $850,000 "relocation incentive" to a Nigerian prince.

May 27: St. Petersburg refuses to allow Pride flags on public streets unless they are kept inside little closets.

June 12: Hillsborough County Administrator Pat Bean checks wrong box where it says, "Give/do not give pay raise to self."

June 25: Flights to and from Tallahassee are suspended because Alex Sink and Bill McCollum have booked all available airspace.

Coming Thursday: State pension fund blown on Lotto tickets; end of Hogan divorce case creates news shortage.

The fake year in review, Part I 12/28/09 [Last modified: Monday, December 28, 2009 10:21pm]
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