They are coming every day, every hour, every minute.
Some estimates have more than 1,000 people moving to Florida daily, and I don't mind telling you I'm worried about our way of life. These outsiders could ruin the very thing that has made our state so special.
Namely, that we're nuts.
Oh, I suppose there's bound to be some whack jobs among the new arrivals. But there's a difference between your run-of-the-mill loon and the native Florida Loon. So I'm proposing a border evaluation. An entrance exam, if you will.
These questions are based on actual Floridians in the recent past who were simply living life the way it's meant to be in our over-baked paradise.
1. Two teenagers are playing Pokémon Go on their cellphone in a car parked on a street outside of your house at 1:30 a.m. You are certain they are up to no good. How do you respond?
A) Call 911, and congratulate yourself on being responsible.
B) Dress up like Rambo and hide in the bushes.
C) Wave your gun around, and then fire three shots as the panicked teens drive away.
2. You have been accused of robbing a bank, and are being questioned at police headquarters. You ask to use the restroom in order to:
A) Collect your thoughts and assess your options.
B) Look for a window or vent to escape through.
C) Cover yourself in feces and then attack the cops.
3. You avoided jail after you were caught driving without a license and committing battery on a cop. What's the best strategy on meeting your probation officer?
A) Borrow a shirt and tie from a buddy.
B) Skip the meeting, and brag about being on the lam.
C) Show up with a loaded gun while driving a stolen car.
4. As a state legislator, you oppose Florida adopting the national Common Core educational standards because you believe:
A) State and local tests are a better measure of progress.
B) The federal government can't be trusted.
C) Common Core tests are a ruse to make kids "as homosexual as they possibly can.''
5. The best preparation for a 110-mph chase that includes throwing beer cans at cops, having a stash of weed hidden in your jeep and punching a police dog involves:
A) Having your attorney's phone number handy.
B) Having a bail bondsman on speed dial.
C) Stashing a handcuff key in your rectum.
6. The first place any self-respecting Floridian goes after stealing a van that is equipped with a GPS tracking system is:
A) A house of worship to seek forgiveness.
B) The Georgia state line.
C) A Waffle House.
7. Select the appropriate reason for a politician to delay an execution:
A) Concerns about justice being served.
B) Worried about the role of protestors.
C) Conflicts with your campaign fundraiser.
As any native knows, the correct answer to each of these bona fide Florida dilemmas was "C.'' If you had five correct responses, you're probably already wanted. Three correct responses and we'll give you a voter registration form.
If you answered "A'' to any question, please consider visiting a place with stronger family values. Like Las Vegas.