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The BayWalk Gazette, all the news that's fit for satire

NEWS OF NOTE:

INSIDE THE GAZETTE:

Civil liberties suspended in city. Page 3

City Council agrees to financial deal with Nigerian prince. 7

Mayor says benefit of investing city pension fund in trombones was "probably oversold." 9

Mayor hires "long-lost" son for city post. 10

City sends council member Newton on extended "fact-finding" trip to Siberia. 11

Council member Polson moves to reconsider another decision. 13

BayWalk officials explain that their prospective tenants are actually trapped on a mysterious South Pacific island. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

TODAY IN HISTORY:

October 2009: New BayWalk merchants promised if city turns over public sidewalk, shutting down icky protesters who were entirely to blame for hurting business.

October 2009: Council member Karl Nurse says unless city turns over public sidewalk and shuts down the First Amendment, which is to blame for the poor business at BayWalk, children will ask, "Daddy, why are the buildings boarded up?"

November 2009: Now that the city has given up sidewalk, free speech, "We are negotiating back and forth," BayWalk official says.

February 2009: BayWalk official says "high-profile restaurants" to sign deals "in the next two months."

March 2010: Third BayWalk business shuts down since city turns over public sidewalk because it was the only way to save business there.

April 2010: Fifth BayWalk business shuts down since city turns over public sidewalk because it was the only way to save business there.

April 2010: BayWalk officials say they "still plan to sign major restaurants by the summer or early fall."

ADVERTISING:

Please patronize these BayWalk merchants:

CLASSIFIEDS:

DESPERATELY SEEKING nail salons, jewelry kiosks. Contact T. McGeachy, BR-549.

I AM NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE for any debts other than my own. Paid legal notice. M. Sembler.

HELP WANTED: Guitar player with mayoral experience. Send info, pix, resume, demo. Ph.D. preferred.

CONSTITUTION. Slightly dented. Serious inquiries only. Office of the City Attorney, St. Petersburg.

HA, HA, HA. N. Elsey, The Bay Plaza Cos., Somewhere in Time.

HOT COUNCIL PHONE CHAT: Oooh, are you a city looking for a fantasy? We'll tell you what you want to hear. (727) 555-xxxx.

The BayWalk Gazette, all the news that's fit for satire 04/17/10 [Last modified: Saturday, April 17, 2010 8:31pm]
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