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The year as it really happened, Part Two

The partly fake but partly true year 2008 in review, July-December:

July 1: Old Spice names Tampa nation's seventh-sweatiest city. St. Petersburg protests at being left out.

July 3: St. Petersburg caught printing City Council agendas with invisible ink.

July 11: Obnoxiousness not a crime, says jury in Clearwater grandmother-at-McDonald's case. Red Sox and Yankees fans relieved.

July 16: Florida toilet-paper company claims exemption from state law based on national-security grounds. Investigation was on a roll, but then it stalled. State vows to get to bottom of case. Stop it. Just stop it now.

July 17: Beloved icon Snooty the Manatee turns 60. Demands all the younger manatees get off his lawn.

July 29: St. Petersburg art gallery busted for naked man hanging from ceiling. Supply inappropriate joke here.

Aug. 8: New peek-under-clothes machine unveiled at airport. Outraged St. Petersburg Times runs photograph of female subject's contours 126 times in protest.

Aug. 14: Valpak for sale, but sale documents are accidentally thrown in the recycle bin without opening.

Aug. 15: Hillsborough school bus routes reassigned by random-number generator.

Aug. 15: Terry and Linda Bollea in court. Just in case you missed it.

Aug. 26: Record enrollment of 45,585 at University of South Florida. All assigned to same English class.

Sept. 12: Tampa zoo chief's denials are interrupted by delivery of large crate with air holes labeled "Lex's Kooky Marmoset Circus."

Sept. 13: Hillsborough commissioners change name of annual citizen honor to the "Whoever Gave Us the Most Money Award."

Sept. 19: Hillsborough County relies on advice from Ford Amphitheatre for setting allowable sound levels at Ford Amphitheatre. Next idea: "Self-ticketing" for speeders.

Oct. 6: State officials agree to protect freshwater turtles by changing slogan from "Danged Good Eatin'" to "Try Not to Take More Than 20 a Day, Purty Please."

Oct. 11: Tampa Bay Water red-faced to learn it failed to check the "No Cracks" option on reservoir contract.

Oct. 14: Mickey Mouse among fake names listed in voter-registration drives. Reply when asked whether he planned to vote: "Gnaw."

Oct. 15: State approves charges to customers for future power plants on Mars.

Oct. 18: Veterans Affairs workers accidentally shred their own paychecks instead of patient records.

Oct. 20: Pastors statewide urge "yes" vote on amendment banning the mote in thy neighbor's eye while ignoring the beam in thy own.

Oct. 23: Pinellas elections chief Deborah Clark limits early voting sites on the grounds that they "would just encourage voting."

Nov. 1: Entire body of Citizens homeowner policies transferred to "Fast Freddie's Discount Insurance Co."

Nov. 22: St. Petersburg annexes Tampa.

Dec. 3: John Gotti Jr. trial is transferred to New York after 19-million Floridians get a phone call saying, "Nice family you've got there."

Dec. 13: St. Petersburg hires the Florida Lottery to collect utility bills.

Dec. 30: Gov. Charlie Crist names committee of newspaper columnists to run state, saying, "If you're so smart, why not give it a try?"

Dec. 31: State sinks into ocean.

The year as it really happened, Part Two 12/29/08 [Last modified: Wednesday, December 31, 2008 4:46pm]
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