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This July Fourth, celebrate your freedoms, wear your undies

In the spirit of independence and freedom that are themes of our Fourth, a word on those new rules that say if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, you best remember your undies.

Recently the City Council took some heat, some unfair and some even national, for a personnel policy of dos and don'ts. This included mandatory underwear-wearing (the Commando-A-No-No Rule); covering of tattoos, and use of deodorant (for which cubicle-sharers should have sent council members fruit baskets.)

Also, no clothing that's "distracting, offensive or revealing;" no halters or Spandex that expose the belly or back (the Anti-Muffin-Top Act). Piercings are to be visible in ears only (as God intended), and cover up those wounds (what, the city's been recruiting from the cast of Gunsmoke?)

What do you suppose constitutes a "wound" anyway, and does punishment range depending on whether it's a paper-cut (letter in your file), scratched mosquito bite (unpaid week off) or all-out open and seeping (termination)?

Of course the new rules made for great speculation about mandatory tightie-whitie checks and employees subject to random underarm sniffs by bosses. ("Oh, my! Is that Secret Asian Pear you're wearing?")

Did I say "took some heat?"

In his "Worst Persons In The World" segment, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann gave the City Council the honor. And, really? No one did anything dumber than pass a be-sure-to-put-on-your-shoes-before-you-come-to-work dress code policy that, okay, should be obvious to a person of even knuckle-dragging intelligence?

Clearly some of us haven't hung out in government offices lately, much less in your average American mall, where all manner of body parts and bad decisions are on display. (And shouldn't any T-shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" include an arrow pointing up?)

You think bosses don't sometimes have to state the obvious? A couple of years ago city workers who planned to ride Tampa's float in the big Gasparilla parade were reminded via memo to "flash" only their "good side" while tossing beads. In case employees didn't get the point on how to act regarding the annual bare-it-for-beads barter that is Gasparilla tradition, memo item # 2 was: "No soliciting for showing body parts."

So in the spirit of governments everywhere (motto: Bring On The Bureaucracy!), let's add a few rules.

1. No gag-us-on-the-elevator, coming-off-you-in-clouds, bug-spray-like over-cologning, neither the field-of-dead-flowers scent favored by some women nor the I'm-out-to-wow-the-ladies musk poured on by some men. Violators will be scrubbed down in the staff bathroom with that pink stuff in the dispensers pretending to be soap.

2. Walk-and-texters. U think u can pay attention 2 both. U can't and we R tired of trying 2 get around u.

3. Public cell-talkers, though consideration will be given to conversations of an emergency nature, like when the day care calls to say Junior just stuck a Crayola up his nose. Discipline will be mandatory, however, for any conversation that includes the words, "Nothing. What're you doing?"

In conclusion, hope you're out appreciating our freedoms this July Fourth. And Monday, please remember your undies.

This July Fourth, celebrate your freedoms, wear your undies 07/03/09 [Last modified: Friday, July 3, 2009 6:50pm]
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