How to look pretty during economic downturns:
Stimulus checks: Invest in a facelift. Lift your face until you look like the Joker from Batman. No mater how bad things get, you'll have a smile from ear to ear. If your friends ask why you did that, tell them you thought it was a stimulus cheek program. And you were just stimulating those cheeks into a smile.
Home foreclosures: The day before they throw you out, insert walkie-talkies in the walls and wait for the house to be resold at half price. Drive by every night and scream, "I died here, and I will never leave" into your walkie-talkie until a "for sale'' sign goes up. Offer a quarter of what the home is worth. Just smile at closing when they tell you the house may be haunted. This should be no problem with your facelift.
Job layoff: You can't be fired as long as you're under family counseling. As long as you have that facelift, nobody will question that you're under counseling. Give your dog a facelift and bring him to the office if they think you should be finished with counseling by now. If they do let you go, place a walkie-talkie in the cubicle before you leave.
Retool for new opportunities: Promise a modeling agency that you will smile for 10 hours straight on the show Deadliest Catch while fishing for crab in the Baltic Sea. Fish in a G-string and rake in 40 grand in five days pulling up king crab. Smile as they film you slipping overboard after you overapply their new Baltic Tropic Tanning lotion.
KIDS move back home: Sit with them at the kitchen table and listen to them. Express concerns with their financial downfalls and offer a smile. Offer them their bedrooms back. Install walkie-talkies in the closets.
You move in with your KIDS: Inform them that the car they couldn't live without during high school was bought with your 401(k). Tell them they are now your 401(k). Act like money grows on trees and your best friend's kids bought their parents a new Cadillac yesterday. Hang pictures on the refrigerator of your kid with his new Pinto in high school to show how you spent your life savings to make him happy. Show respect and wave goodbye as they leave for work each day. Smile.
Humor columnist Bruce Michaud lives in Odessa.