Office of Gov. Charlie Crist
State of Florida
400 S Monroe St.
Tallahassee, FL 32399
Re: Job vacancy in Hernando County
Dear Gov. Crist:
Please consider this my formal (but satirical) application for the soon-to-be-vacant position of Hernando County sheriff.
It seems like lots of other people want the job — eight as I write this, including current and former members of the Pasco Sheriff's Office; a former Hernando sheriff's officer/two-time unsuccessful candidate for the top job; an assistant state attorney; an FDLE agent; a human rights activist/gadfly/perennial candidate for elected office; and the Hernando sheriff's operations chief, who is recommended by the current sheriff. They all offer significant attributes.
However, I believe you will find me uniquely qualified among the announced candidates and even among other public officials who may or may not be contemplating a toss of their Stetsons into the ring.
Please consider the following:
In the past, I have managed a staff of 18 people working in four offices across a sprawling county. Our duties included documenting government, police and criminal activities and providing those accounts to the public for 25 cents a day.
I am an excellent communicator. You're reading this, aren't you?
I have learned how not to do things by observing and interacting with some previous sheriffs over nearly two dozen years.
My relevant experience dates to 1970. I was captain of the safety patrol as a sixth-grader.
I am not a certified law enforcement officer, but I do not break the law. I got a speeding ticket about 20 years ago. The only time I was in the back of a squad car was for a guided tour of a neighborhood on a National Night Out celebration. They did not handcuff me.
In addition, I do rule the roost at my own residence (sometimes) and am the enforcer in providing necessary parental guidance.
I am not a member of Mensa, simply a smarty-pants commentary writer.
I have covered plenty of public protests, but do not recall being personally involved in planning and executing same.
I did not attend law school, pass the bar or work as a prosecutor, but my wife's cousin has. Does that count?
The degree on my resume is from a university that really exists.
I understand the Government-in-the-Sunshine Law.
I will live within my means and will not clash with county commissioners over the size of my office budget. That means I won't be adding to the governor's already heavy workload by appealing my allocation to the Cabinet.
I know not living in Hernando County is problematic, but we should be able to work around this. It seems every election year some candidate for office manages to run even though they don't meet the residency requirements.
I suspect several public officials in two counties would like to see me in a new job.
I sing in the car, not in public. Country Rose shall remain a flower.
I know Sen. Mike Fasano.
My wife doesn't know Ralph Hughes.
I did not go to any of those Marco Rubio rallies.
I will not make bland statements like "Let's get to work'' and have people buy it.
I won't override vetoes.
I like the Doors.
I promise not to be part of any sneaky deals to get to Washington, D.C.
Though another applicant has made the same statement, I, too, do not plan to run for Hernando County sheriff in 2012. I have not run for office since winning the presidency of my fourth-grade class. Not many can say they retired undefeated.
I'm a pretty good researcher. For instance, I know you used to be the lawyer for minor league baseball. Too bad about Nov. 2, but I'm sure you're destined to get back to the big leagues.
I owe political allegiance to no one. I am not a Republican, Democrat or Socialist. I drink tea, but do not party with it.
Like you, I am an independent. Consider me retribution. Appointing an outsider with no political affiliation gives you one last chance to deliver an eye poke to the Republicans who went chasing after Rubio.
Finally, and most importantly, if appointed, I will not tarnish your legacy.
I have no intention of hijacking the "Chain Gang Charlie'' nickname.