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Cruz, warbling: 'Send in the clowns'

 
Published Feb. 7, 2016

For at least the second time in recent days, the Texas Sen. Ted Cruz's wife, Heidi, has described his method of relieving tension during anxious campaign moments: show tunes.

— The New York Times on Tuesday

Let us consider this information together:

Her quote that "he never ceases to defuse a stressful moment with a moment of levity" sounds like a euphemism, like "Mary, you have delighted us with your playing long enough."

Here is how I assume these calls have been going.

phone rings

"Ted! Are you ready for the debate?"

". . . the hiiiiiilllls are alive . . . with the sound . . . of music"

"Ha, that's classic, Ted. You'll do great. Knock 'em dead, honey. Love you."

phone rings

"Ted? How's Trump?"

"Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes! Doesn't mean we go around committing hate cri-i-i-imes."

"Is this an answer to my question or just a song that was within you, Ted?"

"If we all could just admit that we are racist a little bit-"

"This seems sort of on-the-nose, Ted."

phone rings

"Ted! How's the caucus?"

"Extra! Extra! Hey look at the headline! Historical news is being made!"

"Sing out, Ted!"

"Extra! Extra! They're drawing a red line! Around the biggest scoop of the decade!"

"Ha ha, yeah!"

"A barrel of charm! A fabulous thrill!"

"Wow, this has more lyrics than I realized, Ted."

"The biggest little headline in vaudeville-"

"Oh, hey, I'm getting a call on the other line."

phone rings

"Ted, how you holding up?"

"Something has changed within me."

"Oh."

"Something is not the same."

"Well, what?"

"I'm through with playing by-"

"Ted, is this one of your song things-"

"-the rules of someone else's game! Too late for second-guessing! Too late to go back to sleep! It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leeeeeeeeeeap!"

(muffled sigh) "Ted I just — I have a lot going on too, you know-"

"It's time to try DEFYING GRAVITY! I think I'll try DEFYING GRAVITY"

"Ted."

"And you can't pull me down!"

phone rings

"Another op'nin', another show!"

"(sigh) Ted, sorry, can I call you back in like six minutes?"

phone rings

"It takes a lot of men to make a gun! Men in the mines, men in the steel mills . . ."

"I'm not sure I know this one, Ted."

"(mumbled) It's 'Assassins,' Heidi. Sondheim's favorite of his own works. Please, educate yourself."

"Sorry."

"Well do you know this one? (clears throat) I am unworthy of your love, Jodi. Let me prove worthy of your love — (he cuts himself off abruptly) Then there's some violence to Ronald Reagan that we can skip over, but the tune is just lovely."

"No. Sure. I'll look it up."

phone rings

"Ted?"

"Someone to hold you too close."

"Awww."

"Someone to hurt you too deep."

"Mm."

"Someone to sit in your chair, to ruin your sleep-"

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"Wait, Ted, is this romantic or is it a statement that romance is impossible?"

phone rings

"Ted, when are we meeting for the rally, again?"

"One."

"Great."

"Singular sensation"

"Ted please no."

phone rings

"Ted! Are you and Donald Trump appearing together at the rally against the Iran deal?"

"No, I'll be . . . on my own."

"Ted no."

"Pretending he's besiiiiiiide me."

phone rings

"How long until the caucuses?"

"One! Day! More!"

(sigh)

"Another day another-"

click

phone rings

"Ted, if you sing I swear-"

"No singing."

"Thank you for that. It's just been kind of a week for me and-"

"I do have a question for you, though."

"Shoot."

"How does a bastard — orphan — son of a whore and a Scotsman-"

click

— Washington Post