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Dan Ruth: About that $8 billion surplus

 
Published May 20, 2015

Oh, to be a fly on the wall as Gov. Rick Scott, R-C-3PO, huddled with flack-in-chief Jackie Schutz, for whom there can't possibly be enough gin in the world.

Schutz: "Uh, Governor Matrix, I'm getting a lot of calls from reporters who want to know where you got this $8 billion budget surplus number you revealed on Fox News. Not even your own state economist has any remote clue how you arrived at this figure."

Gov. R2-D2: "Reporters? Why are you talking to reporters? How many times have I told you not to speak to the press?"

Schutz: "But Governor Lurch, I'm your chief propagandist. It's my job to speak to scribblers, even though they laugh at everything I say. One of them called me 'Tallahassee Rose' the other day. But let's get back to the $8 billion. We've had every expert we can find crunch the numbers and they can't figure out where you came up with the $8 billion. We even ran the figure through IBM's Watson and …"

Gov. HAL: "He's my cousin, you know."

Schutz; "Yeah, probably on the Dr. Who side of the family. Look, I tried to bail your sorry hard drive out of this mess you created by correcting the record to reflect the actual estimated state surplus is $1.8 billion until you insisted on hanging onto the budget surplus number from the Planet Ezra Pound. So how do we justify it?"

Gov. Max Headroom: "We don't have to at all. I'm the governor. I can jibber-jabber all the piffle I want. And I shouldn't be expected to have to explain myself."

Schutz: "So, Gov. Mongo, let me see if I understand this. You just made up the $8 billion out of thin air, with no rational basis for the number?"

Gov. Tron: "You betcha. Rationality is highly overrated. Eight billion. It has a nice ring to it. And because I am the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hapless governor, whatever I say must be true. Gawd, I love this job, whatever it is. So go back out there and tell those ink-stained wretches who are always whining about truth and facts — you know, crazy stuff — that we arrived at the $8 billion number by estimating projected general tax revenue, multiplied by the trade deficit, divided by the prevailing interest against the euro and the yen, then multiplied again by pork belly futures after averaging Alex Rodriguez's pre- and post-steroid era batting averages. And tell them all of that in pig Latin."

Schutz: "But Gov. Blofeld, nobody is going to believe that. I don't believe it, and I'm paid to grovel in humiliation at your every addled word."

Gov. Gort: "And you grovel quite well. I'll take that into consideration for your next job performance review. I value high quality groveling — just look at the Cabinet. You don't get any more obsequious than Attorney General Pam Bondi. What's really important is I can use the bogus $8 billion as a bargaining chip when the Florida Legislature returns for the special session on the 'continuation' budget."

Schutz: "Really, Gov. Kurtz? How do you figure you can use the $8 billion delusion when all you're doing is playing with make-believe money? And what in tarnation is a 'continuation' budget?"

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Gov. Wall-E: "I have no idea. Chief of Staff Melissa Sellers cooked that one up. She said they used to do it all the time in Louisiana, but she doesn't know what it means, either, except it sounds sort of bureaucratic."

Schutz; "Good grief. I'm beginning to think I work for a political sociopath. Gov. Data, the special session is coming up soon, which means you and those carnie hustlers over in the Florida Legislature need to resolve this budget standoff. And you're not going to be able to do that as long as you keep peddling this $8 billion surplus balderdash."

Gov. Andromeda Strain: "I'll get right on it after I return from a ribbon-cutting for a new Piggly Wiggly in Sopchoppy. By the way, where is the Florida Legislature?"

Schutz: "It's where you go once a year to deliver the State of the State address. It's all very exciting."

Gov. H.E.R.B.I.E: "Ah, so that's who all those people are. I always wondered."

Schutz: "So does everybody else, Governor Driverless Government. So has everybody else."

Gov. Cyborg: "I just had a great idea. Forget the $8 billion charade. As long as we're lying about numbers, let's go all out. Let's make it a $16 billion surplus whopper."

Schutz: "I suppose this is what happens when you confuse tarot cards for a calculator."