Sunday, May 20, 2018
Opinion

Daniel Ruth: Republicans on a major scavenger hunt

There's a rumor going around that a bazillion Republicans are about to show up in town. Is that true?

I've heard the same thing. But I think the number is closer to a gazillion, give or take a quintillion or so.

Why are they coming here?

Two reasons, I think. One is to nominate a couple of wedding cake grooms to run for the White House, and the other is a scavenger hunt.

Scavenger hunt? What are they trying to find?

Apparently somebody misplaced the country and the Republicans want to try to find it and take it back.

Really? I didn't realize the country is missing. You know, it's not like losing your car keys. You would think if you lost track of a country as big as this, it would be pretty easy to find again. It's not like you can forget where you put the Grand Canyon as if it were a fur ball under the bed.

Well, the Republicans are worried that someone made off with the country when they weren't looking and now they are plenty steamed about the whole thing and they want to recover Fond du Lac as soon as possible.

The country can't be all that lost. When I stepped out the front door this morning, there it was.

Maybe the Republicans should come over to your house, because you seem to have a lead on where the country is.

Who took the country in the first place?

Obviously, it sure wasn't the Republicans or else they wouldn't have to go looking for it. Apparently the usual suspects include Democrats, teachers, unions, gays and lesbians, commies, tree huggers, journalists, atheists and Keyser Soze.

If the Republicans eventually find the country again and take it back, what are they going to do with it?

Whatever it is, you can't afford it.

As I meander around Tampa this week, how will I know if I run into a Republican?

Speech patterns mostly. When Republicans aren't grousing about taking back the country, they try to invoke the name of Ronald Reagan into just about every sentence they utter.

How so?

Glad you asked. For example, when a Republican orders breakfast, you might well hear him tell the waitress: "I'll have two eggs scrambled, just like how Ronald Reagan scrambled the old Evil Empire." Or perhaps a Republican might say to his wife: "Honey, you look fabulous tonight, almost as fabulous as Nancy Reagan on Ronnie's arm at a state dinner."

Is that why so many Republican husbands find themselves sleeping on the couch?

Yes, but they have their Ronald Reagan jelly beans to keep them company.

After the Republicans have their big soiree in Tampa, aren't the Democrats supposed to get together in Charlotte?

That's the plan.

So who throws the better wingding?

That's easy. Republicans hands down.

Why is that?

Simple. Pay attention now. This is important. As a general principle Republicans = open bar. Democrats = cash bar.

Is it too late to switch my party registration to Republican?

Only if you promise to start looking for the missing country before the Teamsters union and Rachel Maddow beat you to it. And oh, yeah, you need to start wearing jodhpurs just like you-know-who.

The things one has to do for a free cocktail.

You can't put too high a price on love of country — wherever it is.

Comments
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