Saturday, May 26, 2018
Opinion

Election recap: What they said vs. What I heard

I have a teenage daughter.

This doesn't make me special or anything. It just means that I'm at a point in my life where I have become relatively fluent in the language of hooey.

Naturally, there are multiple dialects in this tongue. Teenaged Child Hooey is slightly different from Serious Politician Hooey, for instance. Even so, the principles remain roughly the same. Obfuscate, equivocate, fabricate.

So with that in mind, here are some post-election translations to consider.

What Republican Party of Florida chairman Lenny Curry said:

"Really we need to become a more inclusive party.''

What I heard:

"We'll leave larger tips at Cuban and Mexican restaurants — but only if we can write them off as tax deductions.''

What Pinellas County Commissioner Norm Roche said about voting against fluoride:

"Voters have certainly been heard at some level here.''

What I heard:

"I'm okay with turpentine in the water if it means 5 points in the polls.''

What U.S. Sen. Bill Nelson said:

"In this toxic atmosphere, you must understand that Connie Mack is my opponent. He is not my enemy.''

What I heard:

"I crushed that silver-spooned little twerp.''

What President Barack Obama said:

"The majority of Americans agree with my approach.''

What I heard:

"Look it up suckers: 50.5 percent of the popular vote is still a majority.''

What Republican strategist Karl Rove said about the president's victory:

"He succeeded by suppressing the vote.''

What I heard:

"Will someone please tell the Koch brothers there are no &%$#*[email protected] refunds?''

What Gov. Rick Scott said about six-hour lines for early voting in South Florida:

"What I'm trying to do is improve the way government works.''

What I heard:

"Let them eat cake.''

What reality TV huckster Donald Trump tweeted:

"Barack Obama's win was a disgusting injustice.''

What I heard:

"Blah blah, waaaaaaaaah, blah blah.''

What Pinellas County Elections Supervisor Deborah Clark said about her office's phone blunder:

" "

What I heard:

"If we stand absolutely still, maybe the reporters will go away."

What former Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio said about Florida's voting problems:

"The governor can't possibly be happy with the way Florida looks today.''

What I heard:

"Hey everybody, check it out: I'm going to run against this clown in two years.''

What incoming House Speaker Will Weatherford said of Obama:

"Anyone who wishes for him to not succeed at this point is betting against America.''

What I heard:

Hope.

Comments
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