Okay, kids, please put down your pitchforks and listen up. We'll have plenty of time to hang Barney Frank in effigy later. I'd like to welcome you to the Tampa Tea Party/912 Project Liberty Summer Camp. I see from the paperwork that you have all paid your fee for a week of exciting political re-education activities with the required beaver pelts. • Before you head off to your camp bunkers to unpack your muskets, your "Gospel According to St. Ron Paul," and your spatterdashes, we'd like to review the week's thrilling schedule of proselytizing tea party events. Think of this as sort of The Manchurian Candidate meets the Koch brothers.
Just to remind you, this week's indoctrination camp is designed to introduce all you children between the ages of 8 and 12 to certain tea party/912 Project articles of faith such as "America is good," with exception of journalists, MSNBC and the Kennedys. We believe in God, most notably the one that holds that all liberals, Democrats and the heretical New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo are going to hell. We also subscribe to the notion that government cannot force you to be charitable, but we will take the mortgage interest deduction.
We also have some riveting special classes and events on tap for the week.
After tonight's welcoming book-burning bonfire featuring The Audacity of Hope, Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, as well as everything Bill Clinton has ever written, you'll settle in for a good night's sleep.
But the brainwashing is only just beginning.
At the Sarah Palin History Seminar, you'll be programmed to learn many new and fascinating facts about this great land of ours, such the heroic D-day invasion of Brazil, which ended the War of 1812; the victory of Davy Crockett over the Haitians at the Battle of Fort Lauderdale; and Ronald Reagan's gutsy decision to drop the atom bomb on Canada to end the Korean War.
Then it's off to the archery range where you will shoot at targets featuring Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Nancy Pelosi, Sean Penn and the tax code.
We're also particularly looking forward to the scavenger hunt in a few days where you campers will try to find Barack Obama's birth certificate. Good luck with that one!
What would a summer camp experience be without some good, old-fashioned exercise? So you'll love navigating the special obstacle course we've created, featuring running around Rush Limbaugh's girth, swimming in Glenn Beck's trail of tears and trying to escape from Clarence Thomas' jaws of ethical lapses.
You should know we expect you kiddos to be on your best behavior at all times during your stay here at Camp Bachmann. If you don't, you'll be forced to sit in the Hall of Paranoia "Quiet Room," which represents Europe and the Trilateral Commission/United Nations plot to create a new world order. Very scary. Repeat offenders will be required to figure out the Greek financial crisis.
You'll be very happy to know we've invited some special camp counselors to be on hand during the week — Republican U.S. Senate candidates: Florida Senate President Mike Haridopolos, former Florida House Majority Leader Adam Hasner, former U.S. Sen. George LeMieux and Mike McCalister, who is a retired former Special Operations officer, which means he could kill you with his left nostril if he wanted.
As veteran pols, Haridopolos, Hasner and LeMieux will provide invaluable lectures on the fine art of pandering for votes, a skill many of you who aspire to a career in Florida politics must master.
While McCalister conducts a seminar on how to kill someone with your tonsils — if you want to — Hasner will provide his unique expertise on how, after once claiming to be environmentally sensitive, to properly deny that global warming has anything whatsoever to do with humankind if it will help wheedle a few votes out of fringe political groups. As we all know, global warming is simply caused by illegal immigrants.
You'll also want to play close attention to Haridopolos, who will explain the fine points of how to get paid $152,000 in public money from a community college to write a book that is the equivalent of Little Lord Fauntleroy Goes to Tallahassee, which eventually sells only 70 copies and makes $488. The man is a genius.
Finally, LeMieux will offer his views on the importance of forging lasting friendships and loyalties in public life. If you want, you can skip this session. He probably will, too.
Tomorrow we start the day working with crafts, where you will learn how to make a tricorner hat out of aluminum foil. Enjoy the week, boys and girls.