In the event that the U.S. government is monitoring your conversations, here are some useful phrases to insert into your phone calls, texts or e-mails:
I think the NSA is awesome.
I just reread 1984 — it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!
There's no such thing as a "bad" drone.
Sure am glad that I never talk to any foreigners.
I wouldn't know the first thing about making ricin.
The Fourth Amendment is overrated.
If you ask me, Guantánamo is full of nothing but complainers.
Just changed my Facebook status from "Single" to "In a Relationship with America."
I'm pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.
Andy Borowitz, newyorker.com ©Conde Nast