You know what the problem is with this country? Well I'll tell you what's wrong with this country — convenience store clerks, supermarket cashiers, pool cleaners, shoe salesmen, those dreadfully greedy public school teachers and, well, you. • You're the problem, you're the one we want. You should be ashamed of yourself. • If only you paid more taxes and stopped being the deadbeat tightwads that you are — yeah, you — why America could at last realize its Manifest Destiny, its unique exceptionalism and all that shining city on the hill stuff.
But nooooooo! All you moochers prefer to wallow in the conspicuous consumption of your lousy, stinking $40,000- or $50,000-a-year jobs, wasting time on your two-week camping vacations when you could be spending that moolah by paying the federal government more money in taxes.
It's only the proper thing to do — if you truly love your country.
And that's why you have to admire patriots like Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-What's Mine Is Mine, What's Yours Is Mine Too, who had the courage of a thousand Limbaughs to speak the unspeakable.
During last week's Senate floor debate on a nonbinding resolution calling upon the wealthiest citizens to pay more in taxes to help reduce the nation's debt, Hatch, doing his best Amy Winehouse impersonation, said: "No, no, no."
The real freeloaders, Hatch insisted, are the poor and the middle class. "They also need to share some of the responsibility," he noted. After all, they evade their fair share of the tax burden by taking advantage of irresponsible tax breaks for things like, children and mortgages on $100,000 homes.
Hatch, who has a net worth between $2 million and $5 million, is also locked in a tough re-election bid back in Utah from the tea party, which also ousted longtime uber conservative Republican Sen. Robert Bennett in 2010 after accusing him of not loving the U.S. Constitution enough.
You know, when your political future is in the hands of a tea party star chamber who thought Robert Bennett was whistling The Internationale in the shower simply because he once said good morning to a Democrat, perhaps you might turn into a lawn jockey for the silk stocking set.
It is a good thing Hatch is standing up for the top 10 percent of affluent Americans in opposing Obama administration proposals to bump the top two tax rates from 33 and 35 percent to 36 and 39.6 percent. Oh, the socialism of it all.
Imagine the chaos if the tax rates were raised a whopping 2 percent?
You could see the potential for financial Armageddon during a recent vacation down in Sanibel Island where we rented a small cottage for a few days. One evening the Bombshell of the Balkans and I were taking a walk when we stumbled on a massive mansion overlooking San Carlos Bay.
According to the Lee County Property Appraiser's Office, the 13,418-square-foot property, which our cottage owner told us is used as a winter getaway home by a Michigan couple, has an assessed value of $3.6 million.
Clearly, if the Marxist in the White House had his way, these poor people might have to downsize to a 13,000-square-foot second home, setting off a domino effect of downsized extra mansions ruining the property values of Sanibel and Captiva Islands.
Where does it all end? It wouldn't be long before, now robbed of that additional 2 to 3 percent in income taxes, these put-upon folks might not be able to afford the $209,000 Mercedes-Benz, being forced into the embarrassingly declasse $198,000 model.
How can anyone be expected to live like this?
So won't you do your part? For your country? For the besieged winter mansion owners of Sanibel/Captiva? For Orrin Hatch? What should we call this? The Free the Fortune 500 Telethon?
If you are a plumber, or paralegal, or insurance adjuster, or machinist, it's not too late to avert a national crisis. Call your senator, or member of Congress or that communist in the White House and tell them you want to pay more in taxes, much more, even it means taking on a second job to do the right thing if it will help ease the persecution of wealthy part-time Florida residents.
And while we're at it, isn't it time for those layabout children of yours to go out and get jobs as professional street urchins, before another swell has to cancel their vacation to Gstaad? What's right is only right.
You've gotten away living off the fat of the land evading your fair share of income taxes more than Al Capone for far too long and Orrin Hatch is onto you, Bunky.
A grateful nation thanks you for your understanding and cooperation.