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Daniel Ruth

Mercy, the campaign's almost over

Ellsworth P. Firefly, who is running to become Florida's next Chief Executive Guy Who Lies to You, had just run an ad accusing his opponent of being a child-molesting, drug-addicted communist with clearly discernible ties to al-Qaida. • Who knew? • On the other hand, Shirley Foghorn, who would like to be your next High Commissioner for Fibs, Prevarications and Alibis, would like you to know that lowlife she is running against is a conniving piece of worthless ooze and she has the doctored grainy photographs to prove it, too!

"You know what I miss?" sighed the Buttercup of the Balkans. "I miss those lumber guys who do that cheesy laughing cackle."

I know you do, my little rosebud. I miss them too, very much.

It was right about then that Billy Bob Beauregard, who is running to become your next Chancellor of Silly Walks, accused his opponent of being Barack Obama's love child, Nancy Pelosi's best friend and Harry Reid's next-door neighbor.

"Boy, what I wouldn't give for a Publix commercial right about now," the Water Lily of Lord & Taylor said with a tinge of wistfulness. "I long for a diaper commercial, even an adult diaper commercial. Oh, those were the days."

Ah yes, good times. Good times, indeed.

Larry "Skippy" Poltroon, who is running to become Tallahassee's next Minister of Fabrication, appears on screen in his Army fatigues to remind everyone he could kill you with his bunions if he wanted to, while his opponent remains little more than a Marxist/Socialist/Trotskyite, with anarchist tendencies evidenced by his association with the American Civil Liberties Union.

"You know what I could go for right about now?" the Azalea of Athens wonders aloud. "I yearn for one of those commercials for some pill that's supposed to cure excess gas but also warns you if you take it your face will fall off, locusts will attack your intestines and there's a very good chance you'll be turned into a newt."

Soon, my darling Apple Blossom of Bonwit Teller, soon. You just need to try to hang in there. The end is almost here.

Just then Festus R. Leghorn, who is running to become Florida's next Chief Executive Bagman, weighs in with a vitally important message to alert you to the fact his opponent wants to shoot your grandmother in the head, take all your money and give away heroin to every child in the state.

"Remember? Remember those long forgotten, happy days of yesteryear when we would all sit around the television and revel in commercials for sleazy lawyers, offering to sue anyone we want just for the pure joy of clogging up the court system?" the Sunflower of Sparta said, her eyes starting to mist up just a bit. "I want to be happy like that again."

I'm with you, my little Daisy of Dillards. Who would have ever imagined that in a campaign environment where 40 percent of all political commercials are proven to be bigger whoppers than Kim Jong Il's autobiography, we'd be sitting around waiting for the return of maxipad ads?

Betty Jo Betty Anne Betty Boop, who is running hard to be your next United States Factotum, just aired a spot accusing her opponent of consorting with known people who know stuff that they don't want you to know, while also taking away your arsenal of AK-47s, your survivalist stockpiles of Cheez-Whiz and they would also force you to watch Bill Maher.

"After Tuesday, do you think we could watch some old aluminum siding commercials all night long?" the Jasmine of Jimmy Choo asked. "You know, a reminder of the old days when life was simpler?"

Absolutely! I think it would do you a world of good.

In the closing hours of the 2010 midterm campaign, Cletus J. Ironpants, who is working hard to become your next Secretary of Obfuscation, wants you to know his opponent is a close personal friend of Satan, believes Hitler wasn't such a bad guy and once had a poster of Jane Fonda from Barbarella hanging in his college dorm room.

"You know, right about now I'd be willing to pay everything in my 401(k) account for a 1983 Yugo with only three tires and a broken brake line if I could just see one lousy, stinking used car commercial," the Nasturtium of Cypress muttered, burying her head into her hands.

You've got to be strong. You've got to hang in there.

Buford X. Xenophobe, who is running to become Florida's next Vigilante in Chief, believes it is important for you to know his opponent can see Cuba from his back porch.

Just a little while longer my little Chicago Kumquat. Just a little while …

Mercy, the campaign's almost over 11/01/10 [Last modified: Monday, November 1, 2010 6:31pm]
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