First reaction to Rick Scott's public relations people creating a fake Miami Herald headline and photo on the governor's Facebook page:
Who's still reading mainstream media?
Can I try that?
Governor Sells the Florida Keys; Ocala Up Next
LAS VEGAS — Thwarted by the Legislature in previous attempts to privatize state assets, Gov. Rick Scott appeared on the popular History Channel program Pawn Stars Monday and sold the Florida Keys for what administration officials said was a "modest'' profit.
Scott acknowledged the move might upset environmentalists and "that drunk chick'' at Hog's Breath Saloon, but said the private sector could save money on law enforcement, education, the judicial system, road maintenance, code enforcement, local parks and EMS services.
"I promised I would cut government waste, and I meant it,'' Scott said, after posing for pictures with Chumlee and the Old Man. "Just see what happens to taxes down there.''
Key West leaders said they would have no comment until after happy hour.
President Obama Orders Democratic Strategist Be Deported
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Saying Hilary Rosen's misguided statements about Ann Romney and working mothers did not represent his views on re-election, President Barack Obama had the well-connected lobbyist and Democratic strategist deported.
When asked how a native of New Jersey could be deported, Obama replied:
"Have you ever seen her birth certificate?''
Rep. Allen West Says Congress Has Seven Dwarfs
BOCA RATON — A week after claiming 76 to 81 members of the House of Representatives were communists, U.S. Rep Allen West dropped another bombshell when he said he "heard'' seven dwarfs were also among his colleagues.
"Do I have firsthand knowledge of this? No, but I have heard someone singing Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho at odd hours of the night,'' West said. "You hear about one grumpy Democrat, and you dismiss it. You hear about a dopey Democrat, and you ignore it. But when you hear about a sneezy Democrat, you start to have your suspicions.''
The woodsman could not be reached for comment.
Gingrich Blames CNN and Liberal Media For Loss in One-Man Debate
ATLANTA — Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich does not deny he lost to himself in a solo debate Monday evening, but claims CNN rigged the results.
Gingrich said he wanted to keep the debate's focus on the nation's economy and a balanced budget, but kept interrupting himself to criticize illegal immigrants, welfare babies, pansy gun control advocates and monogamous people.
"How am I supposed to win a debate when I can't accuse someone of being liberal,'' Gingrich asked. "No politician can do righteous indignation without any opponents, media or followers around. For crying out loud, I'm practically pleasant now.''
Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum said he would pray for whichever Gingrich actually lost.
John Romano can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.