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Reinventing Newt Gingrich

If there is anything politicians hate it is being constantly reminded of stuff they've said in the past.

After all, if you've said something there is the silly presumption that you believed it when you said it. This seems completely unfair since it denies special interest bootlickers the understandable opportunity to deny they meant what they said when they said it, thus requiring them to come up with an alternative line of gibberish for everyone not to believe all over again.

This is particularly challenging for Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who has been pontificating for decades as if he is the sole source of all knowledge and wisdom in the universe.

Indeed, Gingrich doesn't just offer up his views on a wide range of public policy issues. He speaks in grand, absolute pronouncements as if his analysis of a topic — once verbalized by the former speaker of the House — is the final word on any subject.

The man is a walking stone etching.

It would be typical of Gingrich to proclaim: "The Apple Brown Betty that has just touched my palate is the finest Apple Brown Betty ever prepared in the history of mankind. This is so, because I, Newt Gingrich, say it is so. And therefore it is."

The idea that Gingrich, who makes papal infallibility seem downright wish-washy, would admit he was ever wrong about anything, or perhaps just a bit in error, would seem as unlikely an event as Lady Gaga entering a nunnery.

So it is a bit jarring to see Gingrich issue a manifesto of "What was I thinking?" boo-boos, that includes more retractions and corrections than Rupert Murdoch's News of the World.

The serial mea culpas may have had something to do with recent developments, which have slowly elevated Gingrich into a top-tier presidential candidate now that tea party pinup pols such as Texas Gov. Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann have proven to have the political shelf life of NBC's canceled The Playboy Club.

It now seems apparent that the most significant resume entry needed to be considered Reaganesque presidential timber is to not be named Mitt.

Knowing that he is about to be treated as a potential nominee, rather than simply the cranky blowhard Mr. Dithers of the dais, Gingrich moved over the weekend to publish a document that essentially said: "You know all that blather I've been saying over the years? It was a crock of steaming phooey."

And thus Gingrich embarked on cleaning up his potentially toxic waste dump of a curriculum vitae since so many of his prior positions might force a tea party follower into a fetal position.

Egad! Gingrich once supported a mandate requiring all Americans to purchase health insurance. Now Gingrich claims he only advocated the mandate because Bill Clinton had another idea. Now there's an Age of Enlightenment moment for you.

Now the former speaker insists his present position opposing the health insurance mandate is based on a "principled conclusion," namely the principle that you can't win the GOP presidential nomination by supporting anything advocated by the Lenin's Tomb cabal occupying the White House.

Gingrich now suggests he must have had an anvil dropped on his head when he supported the 2008 Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP), which Republican leaders now regard as a long march to Havana. How insane was this? Endorsing a less-than-tidy financial plan that averted plunging the nation into a depression? Heresy, thy name is Newt.

Gingrich now insists his earlier belief that global warming was caused by man, even appearing in a commercial with Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Satan, was the "dumbest single thing I've ever done," especially since it involved crazy evidence based on science. Who knew?

So Gingrich favored an insurance mandate, the TARP program and a belief in man-made global warming before he was against all of them. Where have we heard this before?

But what really steamed Gingrich were all these opportunistic people running around trying to "delegitimize" his campaign by continuing to bring up his long history of extramarital affairs. Look, simply because Gingrich has proven to possess all the fidelity of Ashton Kutcher meets Eliot Spitzer is no reason to keep calling attention to it.

And as for the $1.6 million Gingrich took for advising mortgage giant Freddie Mac and then going on the stump to attack Freddie, how else did you expect the poor man to pay for all those Tiffany baubles?

Reinventing Newt Gingrich 11/21/11 [Last modified: Monday, November 21, 2011 5:07pm]
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