Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Opinion

Romney: I'm a likable guy, really!

What Mitt Romney must be thinking about his "likability" numbers:

The latest polls, jeesh, nearly 20 percent more people would rather have Obama as a dinner guest than me? What's that about? I have good manners. I know where to put a napkin and what fork to use for escargot — learned that bit in France. Okay, so I won't have a beer or a cup of Joe but I can slay a dinner crowd by recounting my youthful high jinks, like when my Cranbrook friends and I held that weird kid down and cut his hair, or when I guided that nearly blind teacher who we called "the bat" (get it?) into a closed door. Who says I don't have a sense of humor? I'm hysterical.

But despite all my likable qualities, only 27 percent chose me while 61 percent chose Obama when asked which of us is the more friendly and likable person? That's just crazy. Didn't anyone hear those nice things said about me in Tampa? What about the times I aided my fellow Mormons? That showed I'm good people, right? Why can't voters see that I'm not the out-of-touch rich guy as the other side unfairly paints me? What about what Ann said, about our hard times and eating all that tuna fish? I'm not a big fan of tuna fish, you know.

At least that thing with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan went well. Who couldn't like me after seeing how natural I was? I remembered to swing my arms a little while walking and wave looking relaxed and smile with my full face and not just my lips. My smile coach says I'm almost to the point of smiling without looking pained. Which is great since he was barely talking to me after I smirked upon leaving the podium after my comments over the consulate attacks in Libya. I know it was wrong to offer those press vultures a self-satisfied grin to criticize, but I couldn't help it. It felt so good to add another entry to the "Obama apology tour" ledger.

Yeah, with Libya we could have waited until the facts emerged but then we wouldn't have been able to spin the story into our narrative of Obama as an apologist and maybe a Muslim. I'm smiling to myself now just thinking about it — don't tell my coach.

There's gotta be a likability bounce coming out of Live! with Kelly and Michael. I mean I was such a sport to play that game, rapid-fire something. Ha! I bet people didn't think I'd know who Snooki is. Though maybe I should have chosen Honey Boo Boo, since she's from Georgia. Oh, well, don't overthink it.

Glad Ann jumped in to help me out with the question about a pet peeve, reminding me that I don't like it when she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. If that doesn't harken back to a simpler time when loving couples had little to worry about but cute, inoffensive habits, I don't know what does. And that subliminal suggestion of thrift in that we share the same tube of toothpaste. Wow. A bankable likability moment for sure.

The only curveball was Michael's question about what I wear to bed. Gosh, so much of the "boxers versus briefs" conundrum was going through my head in those split seconds before I answered "as little as possible." Which was a clever dodge, if I say so myself. Okay, there were some jokes about the visuals and TMI. But that's better than having to explain temple garments, which would have shot the whole "we're just like you" message.

Really, though, I'm just as likable as the president, more so in fact, and I'd be a great guest for dinner at fully 53 percent of Americans' kitchen tables — everyone but the moochers.

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