Sunday, June 24, 2018
Opinion

Rotten cherry atop Tampa's sleaze sundae

You had to know it was only a matter of time after Tampa's answer to Animal House meets Patton began that the resident Sasquatch of the airwaves would slime himself into the dope opera. As if the Paula Broadwell/David Petraeus/Jill Kelley/Natalie Khawam/John Allen/Shirtless FBI Guy/Bayshore Boulevard Foundation of Uncooth saga hadn't already provided Jon Stewart a lifetime annuity of punch lines.

Enter Bubba the Love Sponge Clem trying to pick a fight with Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn for committing the crime of candor.

Mr. Sponge got his bib overalls in a wad after Buckhorn referred to the disc jockey in an email to Jill Kelley, the frustrated Pamela Harriman-high society-hostess-in-waiting-and-waiting-and … as a "complete moron."

In the interest of accuracy, you have to admit the mayor is on pretty firm "truth as a defense" ground here. Still, that didn't deter radio's nuclear winter of discourse from lashing out at hizzoner, claiming it will — forthwith — be his mission in life to "destroy this guy. I am his political death sentence."

It's always nice to have hobbies.

No doubt Bob Buckhorn, who won the mayor's job with 63 percent of the vote in 2011 is — at this very moment — quaking in fear that some oaf with a microphone thinks ill of him.

Let us not forget the genesis of Buckhorn's assessment of Mr. Loofah's mental acuity. Long before Jill Kelley became well known for asking the FBI to investigate what she viewed were threatening emails from an anonymous source, she served as a sort of informal social coordinator with MacDill Air Force Base.

It was in that capacity that Kelley was contacted by Gens. Allen and Petraeus who had learned that Bubba the Love Asconoid was planning to "deep fat fry" a copy of the Koran. Was there anything she might be able to do to prevent a cheap, sleazy publicity stunt sure to inflame the passions of about 2.2 billion Muslims and potentially put American lives at risk?

Kelley got in touch with Buckhorn who opined Mr. Rub-A-Dub-Dumb was the aforementioned "complete moron."

As it turned out, Mr. Sponge Lug Square Rant decided not to go ahead with the Koran burning after his lawyer, the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office and the Tampa Police Department counseled him — in so many words — that such an stupid idea would only be considered by someone who was indeed "a complete moron."

Chances are Buckhorn has not lost so much as a wink of sleep. As mortal enemies goes, this is a bit like Chuck Norris worrying about annoying Pee-wee Herman.

Further adding hilarity to faux tumult, Mr. Sponge demanded an apology from Buckhorn and a key to the city. Isn't that precious? The probability of a contrite mayor supplicating himself to Bubba the Love Lout, much less handing over the key to the city, is about the same as Jill Kelley and her husband Scott being named the king and queen of the Gasparilla Krewe.

It's probably fair to conclude Mr. Sponge has a somewhat flexible standard for what offends his tender Anne of the Green Gables sensibilities.

After all, he was nonplussed when Hulk Hogan, Tampa Bay's official walking geek show, had a tryst with his then-wife, encouraging the liaison, which was also videotaped.

Dignity, always dignity. Wouldn't anyone who would loan out their wife so casually certainly have to be a complete (fill in the blank)?

Yet Howard Stern-ultra lite is supposedly outraged that the mayor of Tampa had a less than flattering view of his IQ merely because he wanted to torch the Koran for a few ratings points.

This probably explains why whenever some weird, strange, twisted, perverse story surfaces involving tawdry sex, or political chicanery, or complete morons, Florida can always be counted on to be at the Ground Zero of Zeroes.

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