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Ruth: Buccaneer Mike Williams should invest in babysitter (w/video)

When we last checked in with the domestic adventures of Tampa Bay Buccaneer Mike Williams, the lad had been invited to leave his rented domicile at the tony Sanctuary subdivision in scenic Lutz in the wake of numerous visits by the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office concerning the exuberant bacchanalia occurring at all hours of the day and night.

Apparently Mr. Williams had installed a stripper pole in the middle of the residence, which was a tart too far for the neighbors.

It is fair to assume that Mr. Williams' sense of interior design will never make the pages of Town & Country magazine, although Floozie Monthly is a distinct possibility.

After racking up $43,000 in damage to the rented property when he was invited to please go away, Mr. Williams soon found lodgings in the even snootier Avila gated community. Alas, the football player's inner Martha Stewart continues to elude him.

Days ago, the wild receiver was taken by ambulance to the emergency room after he was stabbed in the thigh by his brother at the Avila manse.

However, all the violence was easily explained away. Mr. Williams initially attributed his wound to mere sibling "horseplay" gone horribly awry.

It seems Mr. Williams, 26, and Eric Baylor, 23 (we pause to note the ages of these mischievous brothers to underscore the fact that they are — chronologically at least — adults), were engaged in a wrestling match when Mr. Baylor's knife innocently found its way into Mr. Williams' leg. Hey, stuff happens — especially to the Bucs' maturity-challenged gridiron star.

Then again it is entirely possible the brothers were simply rehearsing the Jets and the Sharks dance sequence for a community theater production of West Side Story when a prop malfunction occurred.

I don't know about your family, but I have three brothers, and while as children there was no small amount of, shall we say, physical interaction — noogies, arm-twisting, wedgies, pink bellies, etc. — between us, the occasions in which minor bloodshed took place pretty much ended by the time we reached 12 or so, followed by years of simply trying to ignore the presence of each other.

Certainly by the time we reached our 20s it never dawned on us to say: "Hey, I have a great idea! Let's wrestle. And don't forget the knives." Instead, we play golf, which provides ample opportunity to engage in crude comments concerning various brothers' intellect, sexual prowess and male balding patterns.

Memo to Mr. Williams and Mr. Baylor: Avila, so I've heard, has a lovely golf course on the grounds of the subdivision.

You'll not be surprised to learn that deputies were less than satisfied with the "horseplay" explanation. This did not exactly require a spark of Sherlock Holmesesque deductive detecting. But since there is no statute for being a horse's patootie, Mr. Baylor was eventually charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon/domestic violence.

What to do? By all accounts Mr. Williams is a gifted athlete with AstroTurf for brains. Instead of stripper poles, brothers with anger-management issues and legal fees, Mike Williams could make the best use of a recently signed $40 million contract by investing in a babysitter for himself and his easily aggrieved brother.

Ruth: Buccaneer Mike Williams should invest in babysitter (w/video) 03/27/14 [Last modified: Thursday, March 27, 2014 6:44pm]
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