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Ruth: How McConnell can twist arms to repeal Obamacare

 
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell postponed a vote on a Republican health bill.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell postponed a vote on a Republican health bill.
Published June 28, 2017

'Senator McConnell, you wanted to see me, your magnificence?"

"Yes, I did, senator. You see, I have this little problem that I could really use your help in resolving."

"Anything for you, My Leader Among Leaders."

"We have this minor issue with our Better Care Reconciliation Act."

"And what is that, sir?"

"It seems nobody wants to vote for it. I'm seeing so many defections from Republican senators, this thing is starting to look like a Cuban baseball team visiting Miami."

"That reminds me, Senator McConnell. I've been meaning to tell you something."

"Later. What I wanted to talk to you about is having your full-throated support for the Better Care of Really, Really Rich People Act. I think if you give the bill careful consideration you'll see it is really the cat's pajamas of health care legislation, allowing us to once and for all escape from the scourge of Obamacare. Did I just see you crawl into a whimpering fetal position, senator?"

"It's just a nervous twitch whenever I see my political career imploding. Can I ask you a question, O wise one?"

"Absolutely! I'm here to grovel for your vote."

"I've read the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office score of your bill, which was cobbled together in secret without any hearings, and it says if fully implemented some 22 million Americans would not have health insurance within 10 years, 15 million would lose Medicaid coverage, and premiums would rise for older Americans who would face higher deductibles and less coverage. And the CBO concluded eliminating Obamacare insurance regulation would invariably lead to profiteering by insurance companies, not to mention …"

"Oh puleeze, not that Congressional Budget Office fiddle-faddle again. Are you going to believe me when I tell you our landmark Better Care For the Koch Brothers Bill will make America great again, or a bunch of paper-pushing, pocket protector geeks who think getting rid of Obamacare will result in people consulting with witch doctors to treat brain tumors?"

"Senator McConnell, I'm already being hanged in effigy back home over the threat to Medicaid coverage and the possibility senior Americans will be reduced to watching old Marcus Welby, M.D. episodes for health care advice. And that's just my own family. The rest of the state is getting pretty annoyed, too."

"Actually, M*A*S*H would be more helpful. But think about it. All those poor, sick, elderly people and children on Medicaid were never going to vote for you anyway. As for older Americans, all they do is watch Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh. No worries there! By the time they figure out they've been played for chumps they'll be dead or on Medicare, but probably dead since all they'll be able to afford is a do-nothing Acme health insurance policy sold to them by Wile E. Coyote. Either way, it's a win-win."

"But Senator McConnell, as a matter of principle it's hard to support a measure that sticks it to so many people. And aren't we supposed to be the world's greatest deliberative body?"

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"That's a bunch of hooey. This is Washington, my friend, where the only way to stand tall is on the broken bodies of your opponents. I may look like 'Where's Waldo?' but I didn't manage to survive for six terms in the Senate by being Mr. Rogers. Would you like to see my trophy case of stabbed backs? If you want principles and deliberations, maybe you should go run for the Utopia city council."

"Senator McConnell, I know you are highly regarded as the Don Corleone of the Senate, but this is very confusing. Moderate Republicans who oppose the Hooray for Sheldon Adelson Act argue it is too conservative because of stuff like defunding Planned Parenthood, while conservative senators are all huffy that your covert bill isn't draconian enough. I don't know what to do.''

"What committees are you on?"

"I presently serve on the sub-sub-subcommittee for lice research and I'm also on the Foreign Affairs sub-sub-sub-subcommittee overseeing Burkina Faso, the Lesser Antilles and Nauru."

"Marvelous! I'm a big believer in quid pro quo. Tell you what. You give me your support on the Let Them Eat Bedpans Act, and I'll use my considerable juice to give you the Greater Antilles, too. And how about I throw in Lyme disease as a gesture of good faith? Do we have a deal?"

"You're a hard man to say no to, my visionary."

"I know, I know."

"But I'm going to give it a try anyway."