Thursday, September 20, 2018
Opinion

Daniel Ruth: Imagining a Trump for St. Petersburg's Pier

If everyone will gather together, we can begin our tour of St. Petersburg's long-awaited Trump Pier. As you can see, it is the greatest, most exciting and obviously huuuuuuugest pier in the history of piers.

We think you'll be particularly impressed with a bright yellow dome capping off Trump Pier highlighted by a statue depicting the mogul as Alexander the Great. Did I mention it was huuuuuuuge?

Mr. Trump was delighted to rush to the aid of St. Petersburg — especially in an election year — when the city came up a bit short to complete the pier construction process after years of dilly-dallying, not to mention shilly-shallying, to move the project forward.

Plenty of time and money was wasted as various groups kvetched over the design of a new pier to replace the old structure, an inverted pyramid that was a crime against Quonset huts everywhere.

Now the pier effort is down to its last measly $66 million. And the way things were going with continued community nitpicking it was possible this thing was going to wind up looking like a glorified lean-to with a gland problem.

Thus it was when the possibility of selling off endorsement deals surrounding the pier arose, Mr. Trump seized upon the opportunity faster then when he tried to corner the gullible market with Trump University.

Many city big shots insisted that any sponsorship deals associated with the pier project would have to be dignified and understated. But let's be realistic. With the pier effort behind schedule and facing the very real prospect it might well resemble the mini-Stonehenge prop from This Is Spinal Tap, the city could find itself entertaining a deal with Chernobyl Power & Light.

If you'll follow me, we'll take a look at the marketing, promotional and branding potential for associating your business with Trump Pier, which was built with leftover materials from the Mexican wall.

Off to your far right, you'll see Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi's ATM kiosk, which only accepts deposits. It's a beautiful thing.

We're also very proud of the BP Oil promenade leading up to an eternal flame in the shape of a orange comb-over.

The 1-800-Ask Gary Parking Lot will feature on-site chiropractors and personal injury lawyers 24 hours a day to accommodate the rare (wink-wink, nod-nod) possibility of a slip and fall injury by a visitor to the Trump Pier and Casino.

We didn't mention the casino? It will be great! Mr. Trump already has lined up Wayne Newton to warble a few ditties. Fabulous, simply fabulous.

Working through protracted negotiations, Mr. Trump personally inked American Standard to the exclusive loo contract for Trump World & Spa. We didn't mention the spa? It will be terrific, believe me! Mr. Trump already has lined up Richard Simmons to conduct Zumba classes. It'll be . . . well, you know.

Naturally, before moving forward with the Trump Mar-a-Pier & Steak House deal, the city announced it would hire a consultant to evaluate how best to monetize the project. Ca-ching.

We didn't mention the restaurant featuring Trump meat? It only happens to be the best meat in the world since meat was invented.

It's come to this?

What began as a process to create a piece of functional public artwork to adorn an elegant city's waterfront has steadily devolved into a nervous search for cash to get the job done without the whole thing looking like South of the Border-On the Bay.

Is there a name for this?

Sure.

How about the Panhandler Pier?

Comments
Editorial: Immigrants help to make America great

Editorial: Immigrants help to make America great

The heated debate on immigration could benefit from some more facts, which the U.S. Census has helpfully provided. And the facts show that rather than building walls, the United States would do far better to keep opening doors to legal immigrants. Th...
Updated: 5 hours ago
Editorial: FDA acts to keep e-cigarettes from kids

Editorial: FDA acts to keep e-cigarettes from kids

The federal Food and Drug Administration is bringing important scrutiny to the increasing use of e-cigarettes, requiring companies that make and sell them to show they are keeping their products away from minors. Vaping is the new front in the nation...
Published: 09/18/18

Tuesday’s letters: Honor Flight restored my faith in America

Dogs are the best | Letter, Sept. 15Honor Flight restored my faith in AmericaJust as I was about to give up on our country due to divisiveness and and the divisions among its people and politicians, my pride was restored. As a member of the recen...
Published: 09/17/18
Updated: 09/19/18
Editorial: Senate should delay vote on Kavanaugh

Editorial: Senate should delay vote on Kavanaugh

The Senate and the nation needs to hear more about the sexual assault allegation against U.S. Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Setting aside Kavanaugh's judicial record, his political past and the hyper-partisan divide over his nomination, a no...
Published: 09/17/18
Editorial: Tampa council has another chance to show it takes Stovall House changes seriously

Editorial: Tampa council has another chance to show it takes Stovall House changes seriously

The Tampa City Council has yet to hear a compelling reason to allow a private social club in a residential neighborhood off Bayshore Boulevard, and a final meeting on the matter scheduled for Thursday offers the council a chance to show the diligence...
Published: 09/14/18
Editorial: Focus on Hurricane Florence, not defending poor response in Puerto Rico

Editorial: Focus on Hurricane Florence, not defending poor response in Puerto Rico

Hurricane Florence began lashing down on the Carolinas Thursday and was expected to make landfall early Friday, washing over dunes, downing trees and power lines and putting some 10 million people in the path of a potentially catastrophic storm. Flor...
Published: 09/13/18
Editorial: Scott sends positive signal on Supreme Court appointments

Editorial: Scott sends positive signal on Supreme Court appointments

Gov. Rick Scott has headed down a dangerous path by announcing he has started the process to fill three upcoming vacancies on the Florida Supreme Court as he heads out the door. But to his credit, the governor indicated his "expectation’’ is that he ...
Published: 09/12/18
Updated: 09/14/18
Editorial: Stalled U.S.-Cuba relations hurting Florida business

Editorial: Stalled U.S.-Cuba relations hurting Florida business

After an encouraging start, the breakdown in America’s reset with Cuba is a loss for both sides and for the state of democracy across the region. Havana and Washington are both to blame, but the Trump administration’s hard line with Cuba is out of sy...
Published: 09/12/18
Lessons from Moonves’ ouster

Lessons from Moonves’ ouster

If the swift departure of CBS Chairman Les Moonves has a bright side, it’s that a major television network took accusations of sexual harassment against its chief executive seriously enough to hold him accountable and obtain his resignation even at t...
Published: 09/11/18
Updated: 09/14/18
Editorial: Banks should not shut down campaign accounts for marijuana ties

Editorial: Banks should not shut down campaign accounts for marijuana ties

Two banks have taken the retaliatory step of closing down the campaign account of a statewide candidate because she received contributions from the medical marijuana industry. Nikki Fried, the Democratic nominee for agriculture commissioner, has been...
Published: 09/10/18
Updated: 09/14/18