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Ruth: Looking in the crystal ball at President Trump

 
In this Sept. 27, 2016 file photo, FBI Director James Comey testifies on Capitol Hill in Washington. The longtime Hillary Clinton aide at the center of a renewed FBI email investigation testified under oath four months ago she never deleted old emails, despite promising in 2013 not to take sensitive files when she left the State Department.  [Pablo Martinez Monsivais | Associated Press]
In this Sept. 27, 2016 file photo, FBI Director James Comey testifies on Capitol Hill in Washington. The longtime Hillary Clinton aide at the center of a renewed FBI email investigation testified under oath four months ago she never deleted old emails, despite promising in 2013 not to take sensitive files when she left the State Department. [Pablo Martinez Monsivais | Associated Press]
Published Dec. 12, 2016

Six months from now …

"Sorry to interrupt your watching of Fox & Friends, Mr. President, but we've just received word North Korea is about to invade South …"

"Hang on, Rice, while I finish cyber-bullying a 6-year-old in Omaha for a Facebook posting accusing me of looking like a yard gnome with anger management issues. Have the IRS audit her."

"Actually it's Reince, my Holiness. But this is very serious. The North Koreans are incredibly humorless people who live on a diet of mud, and it appears they are trying to take advantage of South Korea's political instability to engage in some dangerous military saber-rattling. We need to move quickly to defuse …"

"Is that the country led by a 12-year-old with bad hair?"

"Actually that's us, my Deity. According to the CIA, we are on the brink of a nuclear conflict with the North Koreans if we don't …"

"The CIA? Oh puleeeze, what do they know? This is the same group of spook stumblebums who tried to tell me my homey Vladimir tried to cook the books during the election. I'd feel a lot better about all this North Korea jibber-jabber if it came from a more credible source, like, oh, say, James Bond, who has firsthand experience in North Korea. I've seen Die Another Day, you know. It sure beats those mind-numbing intelligence briefings I try to avoid like a deposition. Take a memo, Reese. If the national security people want me to sit through all this boring covert stuff, I need our spies to start having more gratuitous sex."

"James Bond is a fictional character, my Grace, just like you in a sense. I suggest you call for an emergency session of the United Nations Security Council to …

"The U.N.?!?! Really? Steve Bannon, my chief Donald-whisperer, who holds the distinguished Rudolph Hess chair of the alt-right lunatic fringe, tells me the United Nations is simply a cabal of commie, Birkenstock-wearing, climate change worry warts who want to take over the United States. It says so right here in Breitbart News. It must be true."

"As you wish, my King. Perhaps the secretary of state could call the Russians and the Chinese to help out?"

"Is that Rex What'shisname? The guy who got from the Kremlin the Russian Citizen of the Year Award, or whatever?"

"I believe it was something like Vlad's Order of the Ripe Lenin Medal, my Liege."

"Well, find somebody to handle it. Tell Ivanka to send the North Koreans some Trump steaks to that little twerp running the country and maybe he'll calm down."

"We've also received information all this bellicosity might be an effort to persuade you to open a Trump Tower in Pyongyang."

"Ping Pong? Where's that?"

"It's the capital of North Korea, my Lordship."

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"But who goes to North Korea, Rickshaw?'

"Apparently the entire tourist economy is made up of delusional American missionaries who eventually get arrested and sentenced to long prison terms in slave labor camps until the United States sends Bill Clinton to bring them back home."

"What kind of business model is that, Rinse?"

"Think of it as the North Korean version of Trump University, my Grand Duke."

"They may be on to something. Just for the fun of it, could we send Alec Baldwin to Guantanamo?"

"Gen. Michael Flynn, your national security adviser, is working on it right after he finishes up spreading fake news stories that El Chapo is the love child of Hillary Clinton and Pablo Escobar. Sean Hannity is all over that one."

"That's wonderful. You know this president thing is a lot more demanding than I thought it would be. And this old house I'm supposed to live in! Can't we paint it gold and rename it Potomac-a-Trump? And who are these pictures of old men all over the place? Who's that ugly guy with the scraggly beard?"

"They are the former presidents. And that would be Abraham Lincoln, my Inspiration."

"Let's replace them with something better!"

"Like paintings of yourself, my Grace?"

"Brilliant! Anything else, Rosie?"

"I hate to bring this up, my Il Duce, but Benjamin Netanyahu is holding on line two. It seems Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Syria have invaded Israel, and the prime minister is a tad upset."

"Take a message. I have a bigger crisis to deal with on Celebrity Apprentice. Snooki and Boy George got into a huuuuge fistfight on the set. I have to protect the ratings. I'm still the executive producer, you know."

"You are nothing if not a man who knows how to prioritize things, my Magnificence."