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Ruth: Not a Republican, but eager to play one

 
Published Jan. 14, 2015

If you will all take your seats I can deliver my momentous comments. And just to make sure you stay put, there will be cocktails available afterward. Thank you.

Today I am announcing that I intend to initiate the process of starting to think about beginning to ruminate over the prospect of perhaps cogitating in anticipation of musing over a possible campaign for the Republican Party's 2016 presidential nomination.

My crack staff, which consists solely of Gracie, my goldendoodle, will be distributing the full text of my remarks. Please forgive all the dog drool.

Let my ambiguity be perfectly clear. I fully intend to actively engage in serious thumb-sucking, chin-rubbing and navel-gazing as a I ponder, reflect and otherwise stare out the window in contemplation of my pre-pre-candidacy.

Clearly my timetable has been influenced by former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who has all but formally announced his own presidential ambitions. But the real impetus for me was a television appearance the other day by the Great Pumpkin of the Republican Party, Donald Trump, who also breathlessly admitted he, too, is thinking about a run for the White House. Think Ronald McDonald with access to the nuclear codes. I figured if a human gourd can run for the highest office in the land, well, obviously the standards have been lowered enough to make room for me.

Some of you are probably wondering how someone who is not a Republican can seek the GOP presidential nomination? Please, spare me all that piffle. Jeb Bush's detractors are saying the same thing about him and it hasn't seemed to dim his prospects.

As you know, the Republican primary field already is shaping up with all manner of has-beens, never-were's, retreads, delusional wanna-bes, hucksters, demagogues, windbags, poseurs and tea party lackeys. And that's just Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. Then there's the rest of the cast of "Mis-Taken."

You have a pretty good idea the GOP field is more wobbly than a dreidel when Mitt Romney, the Republican Party's answer to Groundhog Day, has announced he is thinking about a comeback, which is a bit like eagerly waiting for Ashton Kutcher's next film project.

In a bold, visionary piece of political gamesmanship, Romney has indicated to supporters if he decides to run he will focus on the needs of everyday people, otherwise known as the "takers." We pause here to let that sink in. After two previously failed bids for the presidency, Romney has finally figured out it might be a helpful campaign gambit to acknowledge the existence of everyday people? What should we call this? The Sly and the Family Stone strategy?

If you'll indulge just a bit of hubris, when you gaze out across the growing field of opportunists positioning themselves to run for the presidency — Bush, Cruz, Trump, Romney, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, Scott Walker, Rand Paul, Rick Perry and Bobby Jindal — could any one of us not begin to think: "This isn't a gaggle of presidential candidates. It's Munchkinland's Lollipop Guild of the hustings. How tough can the job be if this forest of presidential balsa is what we have to chose from? Why not me, too?"

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And so my fellow Americans, today I am also unveiling my exploratory organization's political action committee, "Americans for America's America, Committed to the American Way, Including American Eagles, the American League, American Airlines, American Express, American Signature and, of Course, Ronald Reagan."

Some of you might fairly ask why I don't throw my hat into the ring to run for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination. But barring some political calamity like Bill getting caught being Bill, Hillary Clinton already has been anointed, so what's the point?

I figure my chances are still looking pretty good in the Republican primary. Sure I'll face some criticism for lacking any experience in governance. But that hasn't stopped most of my opponents, especially the likes of Rubio, Cruz, Paul and Santorum, who have basically spent their time in the U.S. Senate as if it were the Hot Air Club for Men, preening for cameras while offering fewer legislative accomplishments between them than the Deadwood city council.

Frankly, I can't wait for the debates, which usually involve prefacing every response with: "Frankly," the euphemism for: "I'm just about to lie to you, but I'm going to be dripping with unctuous sincerity while I do it."

In conclusion, I plan to campaign on the slogan, "C'mon, How Bad Would It Really Be?"

The bar is now open. Gracie makes a very nice dry martini. We're going to need a lot of them.