Saturday, November 18, 2017
Opinion

Tampa Bay Buccaneers' new duds are real . . . duds (w/video)

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For years, Ed Glazer has lived in the shadow of his sibling rugrats, Spanky and Alfalfa, as they hogged all the glory in running those Butterflies of Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

It has generally been Ed, when he wasn't playing jacks in his office, who was widely credited with inventing all the excitement and feverish bacchanalia in the stands at Helloooooo Sucker Stadium whenever the Daisies of Dale Mabry moved the ol' pigskin into (cue the Gladiator theme) the RED ZONE!!!!

Alas, in recent years the Hydrangeas of Himes Avenue have ventured into the RED ZONE about as often as the Unabomber getting lucky at the Playboy Mansion.

Still, one might think when you are credited with being the genius behind the RED ZONE Mardi Gras celebration that alone would represent a lifetime achievement, the envy of Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa and Stephen Hawking.

Ah, but not Ed Glazer, a man who refuses to sit on his RED ZONE laurels — the chirping crickets notwithstanding. When you have to compete with the intellectual firepower of your brothers, Zippity and Do-Da, the creative juices need to flow 24/7.

The fruits of Glazer's brilliance were evident last week when the Carnations of Columbus Drive unveiled their new uniforms. Sure, the new duds look as if they were designed by Project Runway losers. But there is a method to Glazer's madness as the Bucs romp to victory after victory after their opponents crumble to the gridiron in uncontrollable laughter.

Sure, the new uniforms look as if they were inspired by Phyllis Diller's closet, but what is even more amazing was that the Daffodils of Dale Mabry proudly proclaimed the new look was the result of more than two years of research and planning.

Two years?!?!? Two years?!?!? And the best the Lilies of Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard could come up with was something that looks like Rodney Dangerfield's sports coat in Caddyshack?

Research? Planning? What research? What planning? Aerosmith's Steven Tyler does more research and planning on his wardrobe than what the Baby's Breath of Columbus Drive are expected to wear on the field this year.

Oh, and let us not forget the new garments were also the product of Nike's creative director for football (a term used very loosely here), Todd Van Horn, whom no one would be surprised if the creative director had used all that bursting creativity to dress Bjork, Lady Gaga and the Gasparilla Krewe.

The good news — at least if you are a member of the Yuck-a-neers and thus are obligated to show up for work looking like a walking kaleidoscope — is that at least Glazer and Van Horn didn't avail themselves of a third year of research and planning, which might have resulted in the Bluebells of Dale Mabry being decked out in Ironman costumes.

The new threads are described by Nike as the "Elite 51 Uniform," which is probably just another way of saying the only reason these garish, cluttered, signage-loaded vestments are so "elite" is that the Hawthorns of Himes Avenue are the only team gullible enough to put them on.

When the new frocks were unveiled, a Twitter poll at tampabay.com revealed that just 22 percent of respondents approved of the look, but those were just the color-blind fans. Yep, yet another crowning marketing triumph for the Mums of Dale Mabry.

Stay tuned for Ed Glazer's next savvy uniform decision — leather helmets in chartreuse?

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