Thursday, May 24, 2018
Opinion

Tampa Bay Buccaneers' new duds are real . . . duds (w/video)

For years, Ed Glazer has lived in the shadow of his sibling rugrats, Spanky and Alfalfa, as they hogged all the glory in running those Butterflies of Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

It has generally been Ed, when he wasn't playing jacks in his office, who was widely credited with inventing all the excitement and feverish bacchanalia in the stands at Helloooooo Sucker Stadium whenever the Daisies of Dale Mabry moved the ol' pigskin into (cue the Gladiator theme) the RED ZONE!!!!

Alas, in recent years the Hydrangeas of Himes Avenue have ventured into the RED ZONE about as often as the Unabomber getting lucky at the Playboy Mansion.

Still, one might think when you are credited with being the genius behind the RED ZONE Mardi Gras celebration that alone would represent a lifetime achievement, the envy of Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa and Stephen Hawking.

Ah, but not Ed Glazer, a man who refuses to sit on his RED ZONE laurels — the chirping crickets notwithstanding. When you have to compete with the intellectual firepower of your brothers, Zippity and Do-Da, the creative juices need to flow 24/7.

The fruits of Glazer's brilliance were evident last week when the Carnations of Columbus Drive unveiled their new uniforms. Sure, the new duds look as if they were designed by Project Runway losers. But there is a method to Glazer's madness as the Bucs romp to victory after victory after their opponents crumble to the gridiron in uncontrollable laughter.

Sure, the new uniforms look as if they were inspired by Phyllis Diller's closet, but what is even more amazing was that the Daffodils of Dale Mabry proudly proclaimed the new look was the result of more than two years of research and planning.

Two years?!?!? Two years?!?!? And the best the Lilies of Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard could come up with was something that looks like Rodney Dangerfield's sports coat in Caddyshack?

Research? Planning? What research? What planning? Aerosmith's Steven Tyler does more research and planning on his wardrobe than what the Baby's Breath of Columbus Drive are expected to wear on the field this year.

Oh, and let us not forget the new garments were also the product of Nike's creative director for football (a term used very loosely here), Todd Van Horn, whom no one would be surprised if the creative director had used all that bursting creativity to dress Bjork, Lady Gaga and the Gasparilla Krewe.

The good news — at least if you are a member of the Yuck-a-neers and thus are obligated to show up for work looking like a walking kaleidoscope — is that at least Glazer and Van Horn didn't avail themselves of a third year of research and planning, which might have resulted in the Bluebells of Dale Mabry being decked out in Ironman costumes.

The new threads are described by Nike as the "Elite 51 Uniform," which is probably just another way of saying the only reason these garish, cluttered, signage-loaded vestments are so "elite" is that the Hawthorns of Himes Avenue are the only team gullible enough to put them on.

When the new frocks were unveiled, a Twitter poll at tampabay.com revealed that just 22 percent of respondents approved of the look, but those were just the color-blind fans. Yep, yet another crowning marketing triumph for the Mums of Dale Mabry.

Stay tuned for Ed Glazer's next savvy uniform decision — leather helmets in chartreuse?

Comments

NFL kneels before the altar of profits

The owners of the 32 National Football League teams sent a wrongheaded and, frankly, un-American message to their players Wednesday: Expressing your opinion during the national anthem is no longer permitted."A club will be fined by the League if its ...
Updated: 10 hours ago
Editorial: Trump right to cancel North Korea talks on nuclear weapons

Editorial: Trump right to cancel North Korea talks on nuclear weapons

Regardless of the reason, the cancellation of the U.S.-North Korea summit to address Pyonyang’s nuclear program is hardly the worst possible outcome of this high-stakes diplomatic gamble. President Donald Trump was unprepared, North Korea’s Kim Jong ...
Updated: 11 hours ago
Editorial: Banks still need watching after easing Dodd-Frank rules

Editorial: Banks still need watching after easing Dodd-Frank rules

Legislation that waters down the 2010 Dodd-Frank law and was sent to President Donald Trump this week is a mixed bag at best. Some provisions recognize that Congress may have gone too far in some areas in the wake of the Great Recession to place new ...
Published: 05/23/18
Updated: 05/24/18

Another voice: The chutzpah of these men

A new phase of the #MeToo movement may be upon us. Call it the "not so fast" era: Powerful men who plotted career comebacks mere months after being taken down by accusations of sexual misconduct now face even more alarming claims.Mario Batali, the ce...
Published: 05/22/18
Updated: 05/23/18
Editorial: Candor key step to restoring trust at Johns Hopkins All Children’s Heart Institute

Editorial: Candor key step to restoring trust at Johns Hopkins All Children’s Heart Institute

Johns Hopkins All Children’s Hospital has begun the important work of rebuilding trust with its patients and the community following revelations of medical errors and other problems at its Heart Institute. CEO Dr. Jonathan Ellen candidly acknowledges...
Published: 05/22/18
Updated: 05/23/18
Editorial: Tampa Bay House members fail to stand up to Big Sugar

Editorial: Tampa Bay House members fail to stand up to Big Sugar

Big Sugar remains king in Florida. Just three of the state’s 27 House members voted for an amendment to the farm bill late Thursday that would have started unwinding the needless government supports for sugar that gouge taxpayers. Predictably, the am...
Published: 05/18/18
Editorial: Bondi holds drug industry accountable for Florida opioid crisis

Editorial: Bondi holds drug industry accountable for Florida opioid crisis

Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi’s lawsuit against the nation’s largest drug makers and distributors marks a moment of awakening in the state’s battle to recover from the opioid crisis. In blunt, forceful language, Bondi accuses these companies of ...
Published: 05/18/18
Editorial: A sweet note for the Florida Orchestra’s violin program for at-risk kids

Editorial: A sweet note for the Florida Orchestra’s violin program for at-risk kids

This is music to the ears. Members of the Florida Orchestra will introduce at-risk students to the violin this summer at some Hillsborough recreation centers. For free.An $80,000 grant to the University Area Community Development Corp. will pay for s...
Published: 05/17/18
Updated: 05/18/18
Trump backs off China tariff threat as China pumps money into a Trump family project

Trump backs off China tariff threat as China pumps money into a Trump family project

In barely six weeks, President Donald Trump has gone from threatening to impose $150 billion in tariffs on Chinese goods to extending a lifeline to ZTE, a Chinese cell phone company that violated U.S. sanctions by doing business with Iran and North K...
Published: 05/17/18
Editorial: Activism as seniors helps put Hillsborough graduates on the right path

Editorial: Activism as seniors helps put Hillsborough graduates on the right path

Lots of teenagers are walking together this week in Hillsborough County, a practice they’ve grown accustomed to during this remarkable school year.We can only hope they keep walking for the rest of their lives.Tens of thousands of them this week are ...
Published: 05/17/18