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Why my dog Louie is better than the Florida Legislature

Scientific Comparison of The Legislature and Louie, A Dog

1. Statement of Purpose. With two weeks left in the session of our state Legislature, it seems wise to take a brief break from steady and bitter complaint, so as to save up for the end. It is opportune therefore to report on the progress of the dog Louie, and in the process to gain insight.

2. General description. The dog Louie, unlike the Legislature, is the product of a Weimaraner and a black Labrador retriever. He might thus be labeled a "Weimador" or perhaps a "Labaraner," again in contrast to labels more fitting for the Legislature. The dog Louie weighs approximately 50 pounds and is entirely black save for a small white stripe on his chest. He is 16 months old.

3. Family room. The dog Louie is not allowed on the furniture under any circumstances. When he jumps up onto the furniture each night, he usually persuades the owners to fold up a little quilt for him, which he prefers to the uncomfortable leather. In the alternative, he puts as much of himself in an owner's lap as possible, making it difficult to reach the remote.

4. Bedroom. The dog Louie is not allowed in the human bed under any circumstances. When he jumps into the bed each night, he is not content merely to lie on the surface, but must come to the head of the bed, turn around, burrow between the two owners, pull off all the sheets, and then spin around until he has found a comfortable spot. In the mornings he agrees briefly to leave this spot to be fed but then returns to it. After the earlier-rising spouse departs the bed, he places his head on the vacant pillow.

5. Ball. The most important concept to the dog Louie, next to Eat, is Ball. Given that the dog has learned to chase, but not to drop, the game of Ball had to be changed to a two-ball version. As he refuses to drop the first, but runs full-tilt toward the second ball with the first in his mouth, the owners briefly experimented with three balls, only to realize that neither the dog Louie, nor the owners, could keep track of all three, invariably losing one, and reverting to the two-ball variety.

6. Beta characteristics. The dog Louie is fearless in all things except for: garbage trucks, lawn-care trailers, strangers, children on their parents' shoulders, everything else, and puppies. The dog is terrified by puppies, especially the two cute, waddling little retriever puppies in the neighborhood who bound toward him enthusiastically when he walks past their yard, which causes him to pull away in terror and confusion.

7. You are supposed to be comparing Louie to the Legislature. Sorry, I forgot. The dog Louie does not take money from anyone in exchange for hurting the state of Florida on purpose. He does not run anything called "Committee for Good Dogs" in charge of taking legal bribery. Upon being discovered ripping a tissue to shreds or other wrong-doing, he does not deny it by claiming to be "Fighting For You." He gets along fine with the Cat Senate.

In sum, the dog Louie seems a companion far superior to a Legislature. Indeed there is only one unpleasant byproduct of the dog Louie, which requires his owners to follow him around dutifully with plastic bags. It should be stressed that the work product of the Legislature, although somewhat similar in nature, cannot so easily be removed from the yard.

Why my dog Louie is better than the Florida Legislature 04/22/09 [Last modified: Friday, April 24, 2009 11:16am]
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