Saturday, April 21, 2018
Perspective

Perspective: Hey kids, create your own public apology

Facing damning allegations of misconduct? Just fill out this easy form to generate a public apology that satisfies absolutely no one and results in a fresh wave of criticism!

By Teddy Wayne

I would like to apologize for my actions/my behavior/getting caught. Over the past several days/24 hours/six minutes (man, Twitter moves fast) I have felt deeply remorseful/regretful/afraid that my career is ruined. I am making this heartfelt/sincere/carefully vetted yet still somehow sloppily written statement in hopes of taking responsibility for my actions/acknowledging the pain of those who have spoken up/salvaging my reputation, obviously.

Though this is in no way/not at all/a transparent attempt at an excuse, it was a very different time in the í70s/a few decades ago/last Tuesday. I have since learned from helpful people on the internet/friends who for some reason donít want to be named/my team of expensive lawyers that how I comported myself back then was inappropriate/hurtful to others/a felony and still within the statute of limitations.

I salute the courage of those coming forward despite a culture that refuses to hear them out/the personal attacks they may receive/my offer to settle out of court with a non-disclosure agreement. Regarding the details of the allegations against me, I do not recall them/my memory differs/I truthfully canít remember because all the incidents kind of blur together. I can say only that I am imperfect/a work in progress/a powerful narcissist who would have gotten away with it if it hadnít been for you meddling investigative reporters.

I hope this news does not overshadow my years of service to this country/my body of work that has brought joy to so many/all the charity galas Iíve attended for photo ops and the open bar. This might also be a good time to mention my sexual orientation/that Iím donating money to causes you all agree with/hey, look over there! Behind you! Anywhere but at me!

I have also let down those who consider me an ally/an advocate/talented but, letís be honest, kind of overrated and now a parody of myself. Rest assured that I will be reckoning with my actions/re-evaluating what I stand for/paying a quack in the Swiss Alps for a week of "therapy" at a spa. I will now devote myself wholeheartedly/halfheartedly/one-sixteenth heartedly to listening/reflecting/lying low for six months and hoping everyone forgets about this little kerfuffle. It is my wish that this experience will make me a new person/better person/person who can still make a lot of money through either speaking fees or a much-ballyhooed comeback special.

In the meantime, I ask for privacy from the media so that I can beg forgiveness from my family/make amends with those Iíve hurt/duck your questions till someone else is in the hot seat.

Speaking of which, as my life completely unravels, just a little reminder that President Donald Trump has been accused of sexual assault by 16 women/his first wife/himself, on tape, and 63 million people still voted for him.

Teddy Wayne writes Future Tense for Sunday Styles and is the author, most recently, of "Loner."

© 2017 New York Times

     
                                               
Comments
Book review: James Comey wants to explain himself

Book review: James Comey wants to explain himself

In 2016, as the director of the FBI, James Comey publicly dissected Hillary Clintonís email server controversy. Later, we learned that Comey was keeping to himself the beginnings of an investigation into Russiaís active interference in the U.S. elect...
Published: 04/19/18
Updated: 04/20/18
Column: Why the Starbucks racial bias training is more than just good PR

Column: Why the Starbucks racial bias training is more than just good PR

Starbucks isnít really in the coffee business. Weíve known that for over a decade. McDonaldís coffee is better and cheaper than Starbucks, but that hasnít done any harm to the coffee shopís bottom line. Thatís because what people are paying for when ...
Published: 04/19/18
Updated: 04/20/18

"ISNíT EVEN A 1,"is how Michael Cohen, President Donald Trumpís personal lawyer and close friend, would rate on a scale of 1 to 100, where 100 is fully protecting the president. Thatís how one of Trumpís longtime legal advisers, Jay Goldberg, says he...
Published: 04/16/18
Updated: 04/20/18
Perspective: The Heartland to Headwaters Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition will hope to find a path across Interstate 4 for wildlife

Perspective: The Heartland to Headwaters Florida Wildlife Corridor Expedition will hope to find a path across Interstate 4 for wildlife

n two expeditions, three friends and trailblazing conservationists have already trekked more than 2,000 miles through wildlands crisscrossing the state to prove the viability of a Florida Wildlife Corridor, a network of the best remaining connected w...
Published: 04/13/18
Updated: 04/14/18
A Little Perspective: Interesting news and notes from around the world

A Little Perspective: Interesting news and notes from around the world

THE QUIZ: Four cards are laid in front of you, each of which has a letter on one side and a number on the other. The sides that you see read E, 2, 5 and F. Your task is to turn over only those cards that could decisively prove the truth or falsity of...
Published: 04/12/18
Updated: 04/20/18
PolitiFact: A closer look at attorney-client privilege after raid of Donald Trumpís lawyer

PolitiFact: A closer look at attorney-client privilege after raid of Donald Trumpís lawyer

President Donald Trump lashed out after the FBI seized business records, emails and tax documents belonging to his personal attorney Michael Cohen.Law enforcement executed warrants on Cohenís Manhattan office, home and hotel room as part of an invest...
Published: 04/11/18
Updated: 04/13/18
Smith: Adam Putnam knows Florida, but that might not be enough today to become governor

Smith: Adam Putnam knows Florida, but that might not be enough today to become governor

Here is a little secret among reporters who regularly interact with Gov. Rick Scott:Reporters know it rarely matters if they happen to miss one of the governorís periodic and brief question and answer sessions. He almost never says anything.How shou...
Published: 04/11/18
Updated: 04/13/18
Crystals may have helped Vikings sail to Greenland

Crystals may have helped Vikings sail to Greenland

When the Vikings left the familiar fjords of Norway for icy, uncharted territories, they were at the mercy of weather. They had no magnetic compasses and no way to ward off stretches of heavy clouds or fog that made it difficult to navigate by sun. H...
Published: 04/11/18
Updated: 04/13/18

Perspective: A simple two-step plan to solve Floridaís opioid crisis

Even as Floridaís opioid crisis devastates families around the state, there are real, viable solutions that could curb this epidemic, substantially reduce the cascading number of deaths and provide necessary and appropriate treatment for those addict...
Published: 04/02/18
Updated: 04/06/18
PolitiFact: Does the spending billís gun research line nullify the Dickey amendment?

PolitiFact: Does the spending billís gun research line nullify the Dickey amendment?

One of the hurdles in the gun policy debate is a lack of hard data. Tucked in the just-passed $1.3 trillion spending package is a single sentence that its authors say points the country in a new direction.The guts of the text come down to this: "The ...
Updated one month ago