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Perspective: Hey kids, create your own public apology

 
FILE - In this April 21, 2016, file photo, Matt Lauer, co-host of the NBC "Today" television program, appears on set in Rockefeller Plaza, in New York. NBC News announced Wednesday, Nov. 29, 2017, that Lauer was fired for "inappropriate sexual behavior." (AP Photo/Richard Drew, File) NYAG301
FILE - In this April 21, 2016, file photo, Matt Lauer, co-host of the NBC "Today" television program, appears on set in Rockefeller Plaza, in New York. NBC News announced Wednesday, Nov. 29, 2017, that Lauer was fired for "inappropriate sexual behavior." (AP Photo/Richard Drew, File) NYAG301
Published Nov. 30, 2017

Facing damning allegations of misconduct? Just fill out this easy form to generate a public apology that satisfies absolutely no one and results in a fresh wave of criticism!

By Teddy Wayne

I would like to apologize for my actions/my behavior/getting caught. Over the past several days/24 hours/six minutes (man, Twitter moves fast) I have felt deeply remorseful/regretful/afraid that my career is ruined. I am making this heartfelt/sincere/carefully vetted yet still somehow sloppily written statement in hopes of taking responsibility for my actions/acknowledging the pain of those who have spoken up/salvaging my reputation, obviously.

Though this is in no way/not at all/a transparent attempt at an excuse, it was a very different time in the '70s/a few decades ago/last Tuesday. I have since learned from helpful people on the internet/friends who for some reason don't want to be named/my team of expensive lawyers that how I comported myself back then was inappropriate/hurtful to others/a felony and still within the statute of limitations.

I salute the courage of those coming forward despite a culture that refuses to hear them out/the personal attacks they may receive/my offer to settle out of court with a non-disclosure agreement. Regarding the details of the allegations against me, I do not recall them/my memory differs/I truthfully can't remember because all the incidents kind of blur together. I can say only that I am imperfect/a work in progress/a powerful narcissist who would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you meddling investigative reporters.

I hope this news does not overshadow my years of service to this country/my body of work that has brought joy to so many/all the charity galas I've attended for photo ops and the open bar. This might also be a good time to mention my sexual orientation/that I'm donating money to causes you all agree with/hey, look over there! Behind you! Anywhere but at me!

I have also let down those who consider me an ally/an advocate/talented but, let's be honest, kind of overrated and now a parody of myself. Rest assured that I will be reckoning with my actions/re-evaluating what I stand for/paying a quack in the Swiss Alps for a week of "therapy" at a spa. I will now devote myself wholeheartedly/halfheartedly/one-sixteenth heartedly to listening/reflecting/lying low for six months and hoping everyone forgets about this little kerfuffle. It is my wish that this experience will make me a new person/better person/person who can still make a lot of money through either speaking fees or a much-ballyhooed comeback special.

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In the meantime, I ask for privacy from the media so that I can beg forgiveness from my family/make amends with those I've hurt/duck your questions till someone else is in the hot seat.

Speaking of which, as my life completely unravels, just a little reminder that President Donald Trump has been accused of sexual assault by 16 women/his first wife/himself, on tape, and 63 million people still voted for him.

Teddy Wayne writes Future Tense for Sunday Styles and is the author, most recently, of "Loner."

© 2017 New York Times