Great news, everyone. A presidential candidate's character no longer matters.
At least that's what Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus said when asked whether Donald Trump's penchant for insulting women might hurt the presumptive presidential nominee in the election: "All these stories that come out, and they come out every couple of weeks, people just don't care."
Yeah, nobody cares about stuff like sexism or xenophobia or lying. That stuff's stupid.
All that "Megyn Kelly is being mean because she's menstruating" and "Carly Fiorina is ugly" and "Hillary Clinton is only winning the Democratic primary because she's a woman" stuff is apparently meaningless to real American voters, female or otherwise.
Asked to address a weekend New York Times story that detailed Trump's history of sexist behavior, Priebus told ABC's This Week that "there are things from many years ago and I think that, you know, as Christians, judging each other I think is problematic."
Another excellent point, Reince. Christians are not known for being judgmental. And judging others is problematic, unless of course we're talking about Crooked Hillary Clinton and her long record of dishonesty, law-breaking, sexism, murder, lesbianism, traitorous behavior, yelling, back stabbing, possibly being from outer space and doing literally everything wrong.
The bottom line here is that Trump insulting Mexicans (rapists) and Muslims (get out!) and black people (shared a tweet that incorrectly stated black people kill 81 percent of white homicide victims) and Asians (spoke broken English while pretending to be Asian) and Iowans (asked, "How stupid are the people of Iowa?") and people with disabilities (mocked a reporter with a disability) and prisoners of war ("I like people who weren't captured") and Jewish people (invoked Jewish stereotypes throughout a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition) will not matter because nobody cares about such things.
As Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions, an avid Trump backer, said on This Week: "People have not expected purity on his part."
That's why those dopey polls showing that about 70 percent of women view Trump unfavorably and 80 percent or more of Latinos view him unfavorably and about 60 percent of everyone views him unfavorably are total meaningless garbage.
Still, I'm sure there are some dummies out there who want to believe voters give a horse's patootie about whether a presidential candidate is comfortable insulting large swaths of the population.
Trump needs to find a way to prove that what Priebus and Sessions are saying is correct.
As a hardcore Trump supporter, I've got an idea. #TrumpTrain #IAmHereToHelp
Since voters clearly don't care about insults, Trump needs to make it impossible to claim he only targets certain people. That means it's time to throw some barbs at one of the few groups he hasn't offended: white dudes.
As a white dude, I'm uniquely qualified to assist Mr. Trump in this endeavor, which will undoubtedly show the pointy-headed liberal PC crowd that the candidate knows the entire voting public can take a joke.
First off, there are a few basic slurs Trump can use while addressing one of his predominantly white rallies. Any of these lines will work:
"What a fine bunch of crackers we have out here today!"
"Are you blue-eyed devils ready to Make America Great Again?"
"Look at bubba, bleach boy and dandruff over here, I bet they earn considerably more than women who do the same job!"
The latter part of the last line is another good way to playfully poke fun at white guys — they hate it when you bring up the gender pay gap. But don't worry, they're not looking for purity from Mr. Trump. They just want a strong outsider who says what's on his mind.
A good thing for the candidate to have on his mind is a joke. He might want to consider tweeting this: "Why can't white guys play chess? Because they think all the white pieces can be kings!"
Boom! I'm sure Trump's 8 million or so Twitter followers will love that one since they know stereotyping is just part of the mogul's entertaining, shoot-from-the-hip style.
I took another good joke I found on the Internet and modified it to fit the Trump campaign: "Why can't white men jump? Because they're too busy trying to prove Donald Trump's sexism, racism and xenophobia won't matter to voters!"
Am I right?
Chicago Tribune (TNS)